working-mom-vs-stay-at-home-mom

When three new apostles were sustained as the newest members of the Quorum of the Twelve, church members scurried to learn more about these men and their wives. A great deal of interest landed on Sister Ruth Renlund, former attorney and mother to one daughter. An interview with Ruth from The Mormon Women Project offered a beautiful, humble and honest portrait.

What happened next isn’t pretty.

The MWP article was soon flooded with judgmental, cruel comments about Sister Renlund– accusing her of ignoring prophetic counsel, assuaging her own vanity and neglectful parenting. These comments didn’t come from anti-Mormons or internet trolls; the spiteful words were written by our own people,

fellow saints,

primarily women,

Sisters in Zion.

We have a problem.

There’s much to discuss here, and I hope you’ll chime in, but let me make this clear: I trust Ruth Lybbert Renlund to make good decisions. I trust her relationship with God, I trust He has a plan for Ruth that might be much different from mine and I also trust YOU.

Each one of us trods a different path, we each live with our own set of circumstances and we receive our own revelation. None of us can judge each other.

But we do. Working women have felt judged by fellow church members for many years, but I believe the cruel comments on the MWP site represent the confusion and insecurity of at-home women who sacrificed a career and now witness professional women receive praise and recognition in the church.

My friend Jacque and I often talk about this phenomenon. Jacque works as a highly paid executive, enjoys the respect of her colleagues and travels the globe for conferences. She’d be the first to tell you it’s not as cool as it sounds. A devoted mother to four outstanding children, Jacque’s suffered cruel comments about her work status from fellow church members for two decades. In recent years, she’s also become the darling of church owned universities who want her to speak to their female students.

I recently took part in a Facebook discussion where a mother and business owner talked about feeling alien in her ward because her career wasn’t good enough for all the professional women in the congregation. She received bits of advice like– “Refer to an upcoming business trip and see if that garners some respect.”

We’re in an era where the church praises education and women pursuing their talents. This acceptance is reflected by the women called to the general boards of the church. Celebrating our fellow sisters is necessary, well and good. But it doesn’t mean stay-at-home moms need to feel insecure– just because the church applauds our sisters doesn’t mean our work isn’t appreciated.

Trust me, I know about that insecurity. I’ve had people ask what I do and literally turn around and walk away when they hear I’m a stay-at-home mom to six. I’ve heard every rude comment about my assumed lack of intelligence or drive or talents. I’ve considered grad school and various jobs. But like Ruth Renlund, I’ve prayed about those decisions and for me, the answer has always been, “Stay home, stay home, stay home.” That answer has remained the same over many years.

My friend Shelah, also a mother of six, is considering teaching high school. For Shelah it’s a practical and prayerful decision; she won’t make it quickly or without deep consideration. And although Shelah’s youngest is only four, I think it might be perfect for her family. Teaching school wouldn’t work for me, but I am not Shelah, Shelah is not me. We don’t travel the exact same path in this life.

But we do have paths that cross and sometimes run parallel, and we do have a sacred responsibility to lift and help each other. And perhaps instead of everyone feeling a bit on the outs, we can draw a bigger circle and gather all our sisters inside.

Do you feel judged for your work choices?

How can we decrease our own insecurities?

How can we be more inclusive and respectful? Practical ideas appreciated!


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