In the wake of recent tragedies, along with the compassionate vigils, kind tributes and signs of solidarity, are the ugly whispers, pointed fingers and blaming.

“That mother should have been watching her child a little better at the zoo.”

“Maybe he shouldn’t have been in a gay nightclub at 2 a.m.”

“I heard it happened at 9 p.m. Any good parent would have put their child to bed already.”

The sanctimommies are out in full force.

As my friend Tricia said, “I really think people do this blame thing as a knee-jerk reaction to reassure themselves that nothing like this could EVER happen to them. We all know it’s not true though, and the fallout out of comforting yourself in this way is heaping more pain onto the people actually experiencing it. It’s selfish. And heartless.”

I’d always thought the death of a child inspired nothing but sympathy, but every one of my friends who have buried a son or daughter have also suffered accusations ranging from the ridiculous– “Did you ever let your child have red food coloring? That’s why she got cancer.”– to the cruel– “If you’d been more alert you might have taken him to the hospital sooner.”

Analyzing a tragedy, finding the ways it could have been avoided, are natural tendencies. We all want to protect our families and ourselves. Traffic always slows at an accident scene as people evaluate, make judgment calls and try to avoid a similar situation. But we probably don’t need to share our assessments with others. Before I had teenagers, I remember talking on the phone to my friend about the wild exploits of the teens in our neighborhood. We would often reassure each other, “We’re not gossiping; we’re trying to avoid making the same mistakes with our kids.”

And here’s where it gets tricky– those gossipy conversations with my friend, and the ones I’ve had with my sister and husband in the years since, have helped me avoid many parenting pitfalls, in the same way we’ve learned good habits like wearing a seatbelt and putting down your phone decrease crashes on the freeway.

So how do we balance a need for caution with a responsibility to show compassion?

For me, it’s taking the nugget of knowledge (will anyone ever wade in Disney World waters again?) while remembering I don’t and can’t know the details.

Anyone who has been in the middle of a traffic accident or a family tragedy knows there are far more factors and forces at work than can be written up in any report or conveyed in snippets of gossip.

Any one of us could have a child slip over the barrier at the zoo.

Any one of us could have a child visit a dance club at 2 a.m.

Any one of us could have a child lose their faith, or try marijuana, or get entrenched in pornography.

When others are hurting we only need to offer compassion and love, not judgment.

As my friend Ellis recently wrote, “The Primary Answers are always good ideas – and I don’t mean just the big three. Yeah, reading your scriptures, praying, and going to church are super important, but we did a lot of really cool, really important stuff in Primary that is absolutely relevant to teenager and adult life. If (someone you know is hurting), do all of the Primary Answers: sing, dance, laugh, learn, share, listen, and – most importantly – love one another.”

How can we decrease the natural tendency to judge?

How can we show greater compassion?

How do we make judgment calls without judging others?