..who wrote the following: I am thankful for the combined RS/priesthood meeting we had Sunday that was about using the internet…which prompted my husband to check my kids’ search histories.
I say I’m thankful, but I am also devastated. And now we have found out my teenage son has a porn addiction.
I can’t really tell anyone. And I need support. This is so hard.
As soon as I read your comment it all came back to me. That punched-in-the-gut-so-hard-I-can’t-breathe feeling you get when you discover something painful and devastating like that. I recognized it because a few years ago it happened to me. And I know it is a lonely road. You can’t talk about it. Because it’s one thing to share your own issues, struggles or weaknesses with a friend, but a completely different thing to disclose something that personal about a loved one whose privacy you want to protect. While at the same time you are beating yourself for somehow not having protected this same child from evil and harm.
Here is my story:
Cameron was only 14. I’d just arrived home and walked into his room to see if he was ready to leave for the ward temple trip. “Mom, I can’t go. I’m not worthy.” It was so unexpected. I was devastated. But the full force of it didn’t hit me until later that evening when I was finally able to talk with my husband. He revealed to me that he had found evidence of porn on the computer.
My mind was reeling. How could this have happened? Cameron is a good kid. How had I failed to protect my child? Should we pull the plug on the Internet and remove any sort of technology from our house? What could we do to save him?
I was right to be concerned. We’d already had a RS lesson on the subject, given by someone who worked with a lot of young adults dealing with pornography addictions. The meeting was meant to be a wake-up call and to pull some heads out of the sand. But the facts on the highly addictive nature of pornography had left me feeling completely hopeless and depressed–and that was even before my son became addicted. I had a few friends whom I knew were dealing with such issues at home and I had a mere glimpse of the terrible toll it was taking on their families. The statistics on avoiding it–let alone beating it–are grim at best.
Sure there are safety measures–and you should definitely take every precaution possible–but don’t for a second believe they are foolproof. There are ways around filters and histories that any computer literate teen can manipulate (private browsing, gateway websites, etc.). One of the best things one can do is avoid thinking, “it could never happen to my kid.” When it did happen to our kid, we wondered what to do. I knew at least one of my friends who had canceled her Internet contract when she learned her son had been viewing porn. But realizing that the Internet is everywhere and feeling our son would need to learn to overcome it before moving out into the world, we chose to remain connected, tighten the rules and be ever vigilant.
One thing I learned is that as a people we do have our heads in the sand. I was riding in a car with my friend one day when she announced that the topic was up for discussion again in RS. “Why do they keep talking about this? It doesn’t really apply,” she said. “Wake up!” I wanted to shout. Pornography does affect us. Whether or not we are aware, each of us knows someone–a friend or a family member–who is silently suffering through the painful effects of pornography. Satan is no longer even subtle about this powerful tool he has with which to tear apart families. It is blatant and pervasive and we are not immune. Pornography continues to be one of the top concerns of priesthood leadership throughout the church.
I guess you could say I was lucky. I’d prefer to see it as blessed. It’s been a long and hard road back. But my son was mostly open with us was willing to work with the bishop and see a counselor and keep trying to overcome. I appreciate that he was honest and of a sincere enough heart that he didn’t want to participate in the church unworthily, but stepping back was not without its challenges. Leaders and young men pressured him when he didn’t want to perform priesthood responsibilities (this was since addressed in my ward and I can say it improved over time). But I know that just as with any addiction, staying clean is a never-ending battle and there is always the possibility of recidivism.
The second of our RS lessons on pornography and several mentions of it in ward and stake conference since gave me hope. This time the speaker was less about statistics and pulling our heads out of the sand and more about the immense scope and power of the atonement.That is the only way out of it.
The path is difficult, but through Christ, all addictions–even pornography–can be overcome. I have a testimony of the power of prayer and fasting. I’ve witnessed as the tender mercies of the Lord sent just the right people to influence Cameron for good at the right times of his life. I watched the gift of the atonement work a miracle in my son.
Sure I still remember the gut-punched feeling I had on that day. I am not naive enough to believe it will be the last time my stomach will knot up like that. But I also remember and hold on to this:
On an early Sunday morning years later, I arrived a few minutes late for Sacrament Meeting. As I slid onto the bench where my family was already seated and singing the opening song I wondered why Cameron wasn’t there. My eyes looked out across the congregation. Then they filled with tears as I saw my son sitting at the sacrament table for the very first time, at the age of 18. I wept through the entire sacrament prayer as he offered it, full of depth and feeling that filled my heart.
Even though it feels like it, I know I am not alone in this. Please share (anonymously if you wish) your stories. Was it a child, a spouse, a friend, or even yourself? Where did you turn for help? Have you found hope or peace? How?
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