This essay is a part of our Peculiar Minds series.

The darkness of the well is concentrated. It’s hard to see up, to see light, to see reason. But in the back of my mind, I know there has to be an explanation for feeling the way I do. For feeling trapped and dark. For feeling so completely alone.

The checklist, let me look at the checklist again! There has to be a reason why I feel this way. It doesn’t make sense. No sense. None. It’s madness!

Literal madness?

My marriage is great! My husband is always there for me, working hard to provide, cooking meals, cleaning the house, shopping, loving, healing…

My kids are healthy and beautiful. They are not needy, nor clingy, nor colicky. The baby eats well and is happy. It can’t be motherhood or children.

My testimony of the gospel? No, my faith is rock-solid. I love Church. I love my callings.

Perhaps it’s my lack of friends? That’s ridiculous. I have a lot of friends and they love me.

Then what in the world could it be? This well of darkness that clouds my mind and makes me want to sleep, cry, scream, run, and hide all at once?

The Checklist.

Vitamin D, calcium, Omegas 3-6-9, B-6/B-complex, magnesium, iron. Check.

Running 4 miles a day. Check.

Eating fruits and vegetables and whole grains. Check.

Spending time outdoors. Check.

Losing 40 pounds. Check.

Lots and lots of prayer. Check.

Another baby. Then another. In between, trying to climb out of the well again. Exercise lacks, nutrition lacks… trying again. And again.

It worked before, why is it not working now? Each time I start up the sides of the well, feeling the guidance of Heavenly Father, I seem to reach a point where I slip and fall, and there I am, trapped, stuck, and I have to start climbing all over again.

Trying something else.

Therapy.

Reduce stress. Essentials, only.

Medication.

Psychiatrist.

There’s a reason for the dark well. In the recesses of your mind, it is influenced by your environment, yes, but more importantly, it’s something unable to click and connect inside of your mind.

“Like my asthma?”
“Like a diabetic?”

You may have to take medication for a while, at least until after your childbearing years.

“Even with exercise and nutrition?”

Even with.

The marathon.

Years of study and years of patience. Focus: tools of therapy, tools of medical science. Tools of faith and the priesthood.

Many days are good. Many days are beautiful! Life outside the well is sweet to behold, but I sit upon the edge, only a moment and inches from falling in again. I am tied to the well; I cannot go far. But by being tied, I don’t fall as far when I do.

I can climb out again. And again.

And again.

And again.

My arms are getting strong. My legs are getting fast.

The well is familiar, but the well no longer wins.

Image credit: CPonte Brick Well