One summer evening, my mission companion and I were in the plaza near our apartment attempting to do some street contacting. A woman approached us and asked “do you think you can you help me?” I looked up at her and noticed that she had a black eye, a bandaged nose, and bruises down one arm. A man was holding her by the elbow, glowering at both of us. My heart sank–I hoped she had recently been in a car accident, but feared that something much worse was going on. I had no idea how I should respond, especially as a missionary in a foreign country working in a language and culture that weren’t my own. My companion and I briefly talked with the woman and exchanged phone numbers with her before the man guided her away and she disappeared into the crowd. When we tried the phone number she had given us, we found that it had been disconnected. This woman and her face still pop up in my mind from time to time, and fifteen years later I wonder if there really was anything I could have done to help her.

A few weeks ago, By Common Consent published a post about the recent Ray Rice domestic violence scandal, asking what we can do about domestic violence and abuse within our Church congregations. Some who commented expressed surprise that the author of the post implied that every ward of the Church has at least one “Ray Rice” in it; I agree that this particular extrapolation of statistics may not be fully correct and hope that there isn’t someone in every ward who regularly beats their spouse into unconsciousness. However, I’ve also seen enough situations to know that abuse takes many forms and Church members are not immune. Think about the following scenarios for a moment:

–Your grandparents recently celebrated their 45^th wedding anniversary and everyone thought they were getting ready to go on a mission together. They’ve been looked up to for years as leaders in their local stake and small community. However, your grandmother just moved out of their home and has announced that she wants a divorce because your grandfather has been emotionally abusing her for their entire marriage and she’s sick of it.

–You are at a family dinner and your son pulls you aside to talk. He got married a year ago, but during the last few months his relationship with his wife has been devolving. They fight frequently and she either threatens him with kitchen knives or locks herself in the bathroom while threatening suicide. He’s not sure what to do about the situation.

–You are a Young Women’s leader and one of the girls is worried about a friend at school. The friend recently started dating a boy who is possessive, jealous, texts and calls her all the time, and won’t let her hang out with anyone anymore. Your young woman is concerned about her friend but isn’t sure about how to help.

–For several months you’ve been trying to invite one of the women you visit teach out for a “girls night” together. She is always too busy, but finally confides in you that her husband doesn’t want her to leave at night after he’s home, and it’s nearly the end of the month so she’s out of spending money and he won’t give her any more.

Dealing with relationship violence and abuse is difficult and complex. As Church members we feel an obligation to care for each other, but we must also respect the agency of others. What can we do and what should we do when we know people in situations that are abusive? I’m not totally sure of the right answers myself, but here are a few thoughts about ways we can help:

1. De-stigmatize divorce and focus on strengthening all families

Getting divorced is not the worst thing that could happen to a person—having your body or soul battered by someone you love is. Even worse is getting divorced and being shunned or shamed by your fellow ward members or family members. As Elder Uchtdorf so wisely counseled, when it comes to judging others or speculating about their life circumstances, “stop it”.

I also feel somewhat discouraged when lessons about strengthening our families have a negative, defensive tone and focus primarily on outside threats. We need more positive, practical lessons that help us know how we can build better relationships and apply the principles of the gospel in our families. I’m currently serving in the Primary and this year’s theme is focused on families. I’ve been impressed by weekly sharing time lessons that focus on simple things children can do to build a strong, healthy family: prayer and scripture study, compassion and service, repentance, forgiveness, healthy recreational activities, regular family meals, etc. Remembering the basics can do quite a lot to create a home atmosphere of love and security. Obviously these small and simple things may not be enough to overcome serious threats like addiction, mental illness, trauma, and poor relationship skills due to growing up in a dysfunctional family. In that case I think it is wise to consider my second point:

2. Involve professional help

The causes of abuse and violence in relationships are complex and fixing a troubled relationship (if it can be fixed) is not easy. However, sometimes Church members try to rely solely on a bishop or Relief Society president for help in overcoming these types of problems. We all need to remember that community resources exist to assist individuals and families, and that they can and should work together with Church leaders as needed. I have seen several relationships that were deeply troubled turn around and thrive, but only with a joint effort by both spouses, professional counselors, and a caring bishop.

3. Teach youth and young adults about appropriate relationship behavior

I am familiar with youth activities and lessons focused on things like etiquette, dating tips, desirable traits for a future spouse–and these are fine topics–but, I’ve rarely seen a lesson that discusses dating violence or abusive behavior. Many youth do not know warning signs of abusive relationships, how to set appropriate boundaries, healthy communication skills, and issues of consent. Popular culture sometimes makes things like jealousy or stalking seem normal, or even romantic, and it is important that we teach our youth that they are not. This could also be another area where community resources might be appropriate, especially if leaders do not feel like they have the expertise to tackle this subject.

Violence and abuse within families is a difficult topic to discuss. It can be more comfortable to look away, to pretend that it does not affect anyone in our families and wards, or to hope that someone else will help a friend or family member that we know is hurting. What are some things we can do to create stronger, healthier families? How can we best help those who are being abused?