I got my Valentine’s stuff out of its box this week. There’s not much of it—a kitchen towel, a “love” sign, a bare tree for love notes, and the kids’ Valentines pocket pillowcases. At the bottom, of the box, though, I found a list of “101 Ways to Say ‘I Love You’” compiled by my friend Leslie and given at a Relief Society activity back in the early days of my marriage. I started reading through the list and noticed I’d circled some and written my husband’s name by the side of the thoughtful little items I planned to do for him.

It made me kind of sad because I don’t typically do anything for him in particular anymore. Valentines has morphed into something for the kids: we each write things we love about the other members of our family and tie the notes on the tree, I put a candy and a little note in their pillowcases during the first 2 weeks of February, and we spend far too many hours buying and making class Valentines and boxes to hold those class Valentines.

Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with doing these things (although come Feb 14, I am mighty glad to be done with all of the love!). I like that Valentines is a family holiday for us, but as I read Les’s list, I realized that it’s been a while since I put much extra effort into my marriage relationship. The hardest times in our marriage, from my perspective, have been after we have had a baby. Postpartum and crying babies are hard for me. After I have a baby, I have a lot of anxiety and tend to get stressed and uptight about small things. Although our youngest just turned 2, we made a major move 6 months after she was born. With that and the craziness of 4 kids, I’m not sure I have recovered yet, and I’m fairly sure my marriage hasn’t.

The year after Joe and I were married, the Los Angeles Lakers were just beginning their 3-peat of the NBA championship. Now, I love sports, especially football. I’ll watch any football game, regardless of who’s playing. But basketball. Meh. But because Joe plays(played?) basketball and since he grew up in southern California, he is an avid Laker fan, and there were a lot of Laker games those first years of our marriage. I remember sitting on the couch next to him night after night, watching the Lakers, sometimes falling asleep watching the Lakers. Even though I don’t love basketball, I love Joe and wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, even if that meant watching the Lakers. Nowadays, not only do I not watch Laker games, but we’ve also been known to enter the movie theater together and go our separate ways to see different shows. The priority seems to be the show instead of the relationship.

Also in my Valentine’s box was this quote by Elder Holland from a lesson handout once-upon-a-time:

“Mormon explicitly taught that this love, this ability we all so want, is a gift. It is ‘bestowed.’ It doesn’t come without effort, and it doesn’t come without patience, but, like salvation itself, in the end it is a gift, given by God to the ‘true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ.’ The solutions to life’s problems are always gospel solutions. Not only are answers found in Christ, but so is the power, the gift, the bestowal, the miracle of giving and receiving those answers. In this matter of love, no doctrine could be more encouraging to us than that.”

This doctrine has encouraged me this week. Yes, I need to exert more effort, but I also need to pray for increased love and have faith that God can and will bestow it upon me. Are you doing anything right now to put more effort into your marriage or other relationships? Have you felt this bestowal of love before in relationships?

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