It's been a hard couple of weeks. I alternate between feeling like I can't press forward, and deciding that I simply must, and must do it well. Being a mother has never meant more to me than it does now - I'm feeling more focused, more intent, more desirous to give these kids more of me, more of my heart, more of my life. I suspect it is significant that this intensity of desire comes parallel to -- no, intersecting with -- the intense opposition coming from circumstances and from my own internal struggle.

It's at times like these when I feel, almost physically, the roots in my soul thirsting to go deeper -- roots of faith, roots of endurance, roots of trust in God and His Big Picture. I'm feeling the work, almost as though I am literally digging through the rocky soil that is common where we live. More layers of a hard heart to be broken? I feel it has softened over the years, but it's all too easy to harden it again in self-protection, in retreat, in fear, in hopelessness, in feelings of entitlement of wanting life to be easier, cuz you know, sometimes it just hurts and sometimes it's just hard.

Hm. This makes me think of Elder Lund's talk from this past general conference (which I was thinking about earlier tonite, before thinking about writing this post, and which my husband was listening to as well). Hm.

In his talk, he says:

[T]he condition of our hearts directly affects our sensitivity to spiritual things. Let us make it a part of our everyday striving to open our hearts to the Spirit. Since we are the guardians of our hearts, we can choose to do so. We choose what we let in or hold out. Fortunately the Lord is anxious to help us choose wisely.

There are so many ways I close my heart. I have felt that gate open and close much through the past few weeks. I'm going to ponder this more, because I need the roots in my heart to be deep and strong and firm, and that will only come through the Spirit as I open my heart in spite of the hard stuff.
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