More funnies from old church magazines — and crisp football weather calls for an opening joke featuring a football, no?
“Laying” Down on the Job
The football soared through the air and fell in the barnyard right at the rooster’s feet. A look of wonder came into his eyes as he surveyed it from all sides. Then he gravely pushed the ball into the henhouse and faced his harem. “I’m not complaining, Ladies,” he said, with an all-inclusive bow, “but I just want you to see for yourselves the work that is being done in the other yard.”
Let Out
Elderly Gentleman (bewildered at the elaborate wedding): “Are you the bridegroom, young man?
Wedding Guest: “No, sir, I am not. I was eliminated in the semi-finals.”
Glad to Be Missed
“I shall miss you while you are on your hunting trip, dear,” said the young wife affectionately, “and I shall pray that the hunters you are going with will do the same.”
Well Informed
Paul: “An awful lot of girls don’t want to marry.”
Lowell: “How do you know?”
Paul: “I’ve asked them.”
Already in Practice
Ship’s Cook: “Have you ever been on a seagoing vessel before?”
New Assistant: “Yes, I used to be gunner on a warship.”
“Good, you can start by shelling them peas.”
How to Get on Relief
“I don’t suppose you don’t know of nobody who don’t want to hire nobody to do nothing, do you?”
Words Don’t Count
Patient: “How can I ever repay you for your kindness to me?”
Doctor: “By check, postal order, or cash.”
Not Guilty
Employer: “John, I wish you wouldn’t whistle at your work.”
Boy: “I wasn’t working, sir.”
Breaking the News Poetically
A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitain.
He said, with a sigh,
“That park bench – well, I
Just painted it, right where you’re sitain!”
Two More Guesses
Excited Young Father: “Quick! Tell me! Is it a boy?”
Nurse: “Well, the one in the middle is.”
That’s Too Vague
Heard in the Tube: “How old should you say she is?”
“Oh, somewhere in the middle flirties!”
One Way Out
He couldn’t get there on account of an accident, so he sent this telegram: “Cannot come, washout on line.”
He received this answer: “Borrow a shirt and come anyway.”
Straighten Up Now
“Lend me five dollars, old man. I promise you, on the word of a gentleman, to pay it back tomorrow.”
“Bring the gentleman around and let me see him.”
Success
“Aha!” cried the egg as it splashed a bit.
“I was cast for the villain and made a hit.”
A Quiet Reception
John: How did the wedding come off?
Toni: Without a hitch. The bride didn’t show up.
Fashion Note
“I’m a self-made man.”
“You’re lucky. I’m the revised work of a wife and three daughters.”
Proxy
Stenographer: “Your little girl wants to kiss you over the phone.”
Busy Manager: “Take the message. I’ll get it from you later.”
Oh, Lady!
Lady: “I wonder if you would be so kind as to weigh this package for me?”
Butcher: “Why, certainly; it weighs exactly three and a quarter pounds.”
Lady: “Thank you – it contains the bones you sent me in that four-pound roast yesterday.”
Safer
Grandson: “Grandpa, were girls harder to kiss when you were young?”
Grandfather: “I reckon they were, but it wasn’t near so dangerous. Old dobbin never smashed into a tree just about the time you got puckered up.”
We Win
Englishman: “Odd names your towns have. Hoboken. Weekhawken. Oshkosh. Poughkeepsie.”
American: “I suppose they do sound queer to English ears. Do you live in London all the time?”
Englishman: No, indeed. I spend part of my time at Chipping Norton, and divide the rest between Bigglewade and Leighton Buzzard.”
Bargain
The decrepit old car drove up to the toll bridge.
“Fifty cents,” cried the gateman.
“Sold,” replied the driver.
A Questionable Compliment
A man had a slight difference of opinion with his wife. But he acknowledged his error generously by saying, “You are right, and I am wrong, as you generally are. Goodbye, dear,” and he hurried off to catch his train.
“So nice of him to put it like that,” his wife said to herself. And then – she began to think about it.
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