Or, for those of you with only rusty knowledge of that rollickin’ fun language of Aramaic [comments 1 and 3]:
Funny Bones, 1910
No Admittance
Little Bernard’s mother was giving him a bath, and, just as the process was being completed, he heard his sister at the door.
“You can’t come in now, Nellie,” he called, “I’m Cupid.”
Overdressed
David Bispham tells of a man who waited for his daughter a long time. Finally he called upstairs: “What a time you girls take getting dressed for the concert. Look at me! Just a shirt, a tie, and cotton in my ears, and I am ready.”
Sign of Precocity
“Oi belave,” declared the Irishman, “thot me youngest son’s born t’ be a surgeon.”
“Phwat leads ye t’ say thot?” asked his friend.
“Oi caught him usin’ th’ scissors on a book Oi’d lately bought, an’ before Oi c’d stop him he cut out th’ appindix.”
She Hadn’t Enough
A woman entered a photographer’s gallery. “Do you take pictures of children?” she asked.
“Yes,” was the reply.
“How much are they, please?”
“Three dollars a dozen,” said the proprietor.
“Well,” she replied, with a sigh, “I shall have to wait and come again. I have only eleven.”
His Smile Came Off
In a Pennsylvania town where the Friends abound a prim old Quaker spinster recently attended the marriage of her grandnephew, a young person who had in the course of his twenty-one years received much needed discipline at her hands.
The old lady was at her best on this festive occasion, and, at a pause in the wedding breakfast, the happy groom looked over at her with a beguiling smile.
“Tell us why thee never married, Aunt Patience?” he said, teasingly.
“That is soon told, William,” said the old Quakeress, calmly. “It was because I was not as easily pleased as thy wife was.”
He and She
A fashionable city lady was paying her first visit to a farm. The farmer’s boy was feeding a chicken and the lady asked: “What would you do if that chicken laid an egg?” “Sell it to a museum,” replied the boy. “That chicken’s a rooster.”
Her Only Request
A lady complained to her milkman of the quality of milk he sold her.
“Well, mum,” said the milkman, “the cows don’t get enough grass feed this time o’ year. Why, them cows are just as sorry about it as I am. I often see ’em cryin’, regular cryin’, mum – because they feel as how their milk don’t do ’em credit. Don’t you believe it, mum?
“Oh, yes, I believe it,” responded his customer; “but I wish in future you’d see that they don’t drop their tears into our can.”
Like
When is a baby like a cannibal? When it eats its pap.
Breeding
Mamma – “Did you tell God how naughty you were?”
Mary – “No, mamma, I thought it hadn’t better get out of the family.”
—
“Going up to hear that lecture on appendicitis today?”
“Naw. I’m tired of these organ recitals.”
—
The Professor – Does she sing like a nightingale?
The Tenor – Gee, no – a nightingale can be scared off.
—
“How iss your boy Fritz getting along in der college?”
“Ach! he is halfback in der football team and all der way back in his studies.”
—
A charming young woman named Ginter
Got married in Salem last winter.
Her man’s name was Wood
And now, as they should,
The Woods have a cute little splinter.
Doubtful Assurances
“Do you think they approved of my sermon?” asked the newly appointed rector.
“Yes, I think so,” replied his wife; “they were all nodding.”
Not On Her Life
An Irish woman walked into a large department store. The floor-walker, who was very bow-legged, asked her what he could do for her. She told him that she would like to look at the handkerchiefs that were advertised.
“Just walk this way, ma’am,” said the floor-walker.
The woman looked at his legs.
“No, sir,” indignantly replied the old lady; “I’ll die first.”
No Business of Hers
“I shall have to ask you for a ticket for that boy, ma’am.”
“I guess not.”
“He’s too old to travel free. He occupies a whole seat, and the car’s crowded. There are people standing.”
“I can’t help that.”
“I haven’t time to argue the matter, ma’am. You’ll have to pay for the boy.”
“I’ve never paid for him yet.”
“You’ve got to begin doing it some time.”
“Not this trip, anyway.”
“You’ll pay for that boy, ma’am, or I’ll stop the train and put him off.”
“All right. Put him off if you think that’s the way to get anything out of me.”
“You ought to know what the rules of this road are, ma’am. How old is that boy?”
“I don’t know. I never saw him before.”
Conservation Problem
“Do you think the auto will ever succeed in doing away with the horse?”
“No, but they are doing away with a lot of cats.”
A Possible Substitute
“What have you in the shape of cucumbers this morning?” asked the customer of the new grocery clerk.
“Nothing but bananas, ma’am,” was the reply.
Continue reading at the original source →