Lays of Gardening
Mr. Jones: “How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?”
Mr. James: “One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush in my garden and the next day I let him see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered after that.”
Some Difference
Customer: “Remember that cheese you sold me yesterday?”
Grocer: “Yes, siree.”
Customer: “Did you say it was imported or deported from Switzerland?”
Her Defects
Groom: “Now that we’re married, perhaps you’ll permit me to point out a few of your defects?”
Unbridled Bride: “It won’t be necessary. I know them too well. They kept me from getting a better man than you.”
Commission?
“Why did you give that checkroom girl a dollar tip?”
“Look at the swell hat she gave me.”
Bargain Offer
“If you refuse me, darling, I shall never love another.”
“That last part is okay with me. But what I want to know is, will it hold good if I accept?”
Paradox
This is a funny world,
Its wonders never cease;
All “civilized” people are at war,
All savages are at peace.
Whose Choice?
Ima Suitor: “Which would you advise me to marry, a brilliant woman, or a beautiful one?”
Reddy Retorter: “Well, it’s hard to say. A brilliant woman should know better. Yet, on the other hand, a beautiful woman could do better.”
Songs of the Heart
And this about the spinster who went to church because she heard the preacher was giving out hymns.
Not So Different?
Tom: “And why don’t you like Mabel?”
Ted: “She’s too biased.”
Tom: “Biased?”
Ted: “Yes, bias this and bias that – until I’m busted.”
Corner Store Comment
What with the wartime scarcity of eggs, we weren’t surprised to hear this comment in a neighborhood store: “Here, Joe, you carry the baby and let me take the eggs. You might drop ‘em.”
Complete Sale
“Mister, I’ve come hyar ter ask yer fer yer daughter’s hand.”
“I won’t allow sech a thin. Ither yer takes the whole gal, er nothin’.”
New Dish
“Give me an order of Scotch asparagus, please.”
“Scotch asparagus?”
“Yes – without tips.”
Jawbreaker
“How did he get that sore jaw?”
“A girl cracked a smile.”
“Well?”
“It was his smile.”
Boomerang!
Officer: “What’s the big idea? How come you men are climbing trees and crawlign through bushes?
Private: “Well, sir, we camouflaged the gun before lunch, and now we can’t find it.”
Three Ages of a Great Man
Someone who apparently has been associating on terms of intimacy with some so-called great men has set down these three planes indicating their progress:
1. Quits shining his own shoes.
2. Quits writing his own letters.
3. Quits writing his own speeches.
Special Delivery
“My uncle was run over by a steam roller.”
“And what did you do?”
“Just took him home and slipped him under the door.”
Motor Trouble
Some people throw their tongue into high gear before their brain is turning over.
Failure
“I suppose you went to your sewing club last night.”
“No – our sewing club broke up.”
“Why?”
“We were forced to disorganize because everybody came each time, and there was no one to talk about.”
Continue reading at the original source →