From the files of The Improvement Era, 1962:

A little boy sat before the fireplace stroking his new kitten. The kitten began to purr loudly when suddenly the boy jerked it roughly away from the hearth. “Can’t you treat your new pet more gently?” reprimanded the mother. “But, Mom, I had to move it quick. Didn’t you hear it start to boil?”

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Employee: I’ve been here ten years, Sir, doing three men’s work for one man’s money, and now I want a raise.

Employer: I doot I can gie ye that, but if ye’ll tell me the names of the ither twa men I’ll fire ‘em.

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Fashion note: Little change in men’s pockets this spring.

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The well-intentioned man, when he found that the liniment made his arm smart, proceeded to rub some on his head.

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The only reason why a great many Americans don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered one for a dollar down and a dollar a week.

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A farm boy in the big city painted a glowing picture of city life in his letters home. On one occasion he wrote, “Thursday we motored out to the club, where we golfed until dark. Then we autoed to the beach, where we week-ended.” Not to be outdone, his brother, still on the farm, replied: “Yesterday we buggied to town and baseballed all afternoon. Then we went to Ned’s and shuffleboarded until sundown. We suppered, then staircased up to our room and bedsteaded until the clock fived.”

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Employer: Where did you get your financial training?

Applicant: Yale.

Employer: Good, good. And what is your name?

Applicant: Yackson.

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An umbrella is a device for keeping two people half dry.

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“My dad is an Eagle, a Moose, and a Lion,” boasted the little boy. “Yeah?” gasped the wide-eyed friend. “How much does it cost to see him?”

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A businessman sent an overdue bill to his customer with the notation: “This bill is one year old today.” The customer returned the bill with a note: “Happy Birthday.”

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Help yourself to outer space – take your moon and star!
Give me just some inner place where I can park my car.

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Junior was one of those little terrors, and papa was surprised when mama suggested that they buy him a bicycle. “Do you think it will improve his behavior?” papa asked. ‘No,” replied mama grimly, “but it will spread his effectiveness over a wider area.”

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Cosmetics are a woman’s way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

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If you want to stay young, associate with young people; if you want to feel your age, try to keep up with them.