Get Hep!
A visitor to an Indian trading post asked one of the clerks about the weather prospects for the following day. The clerk was unwilling to hazard a guess. But an old Indian standing around in the store volunteered, “Going to rain – much.” And it did.
During the downpour the visitor re-entered the store and sought out the native prophet. This time the Indian predicted “Clear and Cool.” Again he was correct.
When the question was repeated on the third day, the visitor received quite a shock. “Dunno,” chuckled the Indian. “Didn’t hear the radio today.”
Secret Formula
A farmer had planted a crop of flax, and had a tablecloth made from the linen he produced. Sometime later he remarked to a guest at dinner, “I grew this tablecloth myself.”
“Did you, really?” the lady remarked with a little sarcasm. “How do you ever manage to grow such things?”
“Promise you won’t tell, madam?” he replied.
She promised.
“Well,” he whispered solemnly, “I planted a napkin.”
Practical
“Some people thirst after knowledge, some after fame, and some after money,” said the Sunday School teacher. “Now, Johnny, what do you thirst after?”
Johnny thought for a moment. Then he said, “I thirst after popcorn.”
Choice Bits
Hay: Grass a la mowed.
Thank heaven the country’s still free, and a man can do just as his wife pleases.
The best way to save face is to keep the lower end of it shut.
Interpolation
A businessman thought his staff rather lazy and indifferent, so he pinned up the following notice: “Bread is the staff of life, but that is no reason why the life of our staff should be one continual loaf!”
Training
The fellow who’s thinking,
“What’s the use?”
Is not the locomotive –
He’s the caboose.
Smart Siren
Bill: “Why does the whistle always blow for a fire?”
Joe: “It doesn’t blow for a fire. It blows for water. They already have the fire.”
Hammer Headed
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The smith immediately began his instructions to the lad: “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.” The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
True
Praise is something a person tells you about yourself that you’ve suspected all along.
Tasty Lesson
An old professor was scolding his students: “You do not use your faculties of observation! You do not observe!”
Picking up a jar of vile-smelling chemicals, he stuck one finger into the jar and then into his mouth. Then, passing the jar around, he commanded his class to do the same.
After each student, with a grimace and a shudder, had prodded a finger into the concoction and licked it, the old professor exclaimed triumphantly, “I told you so! You do not observe. If you had, you would have seen that the finger I stuck into the jar was not the finger I stuck into my mouth.”
Lathered
First Roommate: have you a picture of yourself?
Second Roommate: Yeah.
First Roommate: Then let me use that mirror. I want to shave.
A Gas Gauge
Sign in a western town: “4,056 people died of gas in this state – 29 inhaled it; 27 put a lighted match to it; 4,000 stepped on it.”
What a Blow!
Eight years working for the firm – never absent, never late – then one morning he came in an hour and a half late, his clothes torn, his face and hands scratched and bloody.
Asked the boss, “Why are you late?”
“I leaned out the window and fell three stories!”
“That took you an hour and a half?”
Party Parting
“Must you go?“ asked the hostess.
“Oh, no,” said the departing guest, “it’s purely a matter of choice.”
Verbal Attack
“What’s the new halfback’s name?” asked the coach.
“Osscowinsinsiski,” replied the assistant.
“Good,” exclaimed the coach with satisfaction. “Put him on the first team. Boy, will I get even with those newspaper sports writers now!”
Jaw Joy
Some people are easily entertained. All you have to do is sit down and listen to them.
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