More goodies from the church magazines of 1942 –
Wrong Recipe
Groom: “How did you make this cake, dear?”
Bride: “Here’s the recipe. I clipped it from a farm magazine.”
Groom: “Are you sure you read the right side? The other side tells how to make a rock garden.”
Unappreciated Advice
Closeman: “Let me give you a piece of advice.”
Jinx: “What’s wrong with it?”
Bad for Good
“Sonny, the teacher says you haven’t had a lesson right for a month. Why?”
“Because she always kisses me when I get one right, that’s why.”
Solicitous
Mother-in-law: “My, that little tree has grown at least a foot since I was here last.”
Son-in-law: “Yes, and I hope the next time you visit us you’ll be able to sit in its shade.”
Going! Going!! Gone!!!
Smith: “Those auto engineers are certainly geniuses at making driving easier.”
Jones: “How’s that?”
Smith: “1940, no running boards; 1941, no gear shift; 1942 – no car.”
Got His Wish
Son: “Dad, what was your great ambition when you were a boy?”
Dad: “To wear long pants. And I’ve had my wish. If there is anybody else in the country that wears his pants longer than I do, I’d like to see him.”
Guilty
It is said that a certain jury returned the following verdict in a railroad damage suit:
“If the train had run as it should have run, and if the whistle had blowed as it should have blew, and if the bell had rung as it should have rung, both of which it did neither, the cow would not have been injured when she was killed.”
The Wishing Well
First Tramp: “I wish I had a million dollars. I’d buy me a yacht, and stock it up with liquor and just go floating around the world.”
Second: “And would you take me with you?”
First: “Naw! If you’re too lazy to wish for yourself, you can stay at home.”
Got Him
A traveler, spinning the yarn as only travelers can, said: “From the boat the river looked alive with gladiators.”
A long suffering listener asked:
“Alive with what?”
“Alive with gladiators.”
“My dear chap, alligators is what you mean. Don’t you know gladiators are flowers?”
Found
A ten dollar bill. Will the owner please form a line at the South Gate?
Quick Reaction
Joe: “You look sweet enough to eat.”
Jill: “I do eat. Where shall we go?”
Well, Well!
Curious Old Lady: “Why, you’ve lost your leg, haven’t you?”
Cripple: “Well, darned if I haven’t!”
Beauty’s Eyes
“Where did you get the black eye?”
“I went to a dance and was struck by the beauty of the place.”
A Confession
“My wife has been nursing a grouch all week.”
“Had a cold, have you?”
Unlimited Supply, Too
“The average woman has a vocabulary of only 500 words.”
“Small stock, all right – but think of the turnover.”
Wow!
Woozy: “If you lost me you’d have to beg for money.”
Mrs. Woozy: “Well, dear, it would come naturally.”
A Little Tiresome
Alford: “I could dance with you this way to heaven.”
Mabel (tired of backing): “Don’t you ever reverse?”
A Lucky Escape
Mother: “It says in the paper, dear, that every fifth baby born in the world is Chinese.”
Father: “Thank heaven, this is our first.”
Misunderstood
Daughter (having just received a new mink coat from father): “What I don’t see is how such a lovely fur can come from such a sneaking, smelly beast.”
Father: “I don’t ask for thanks, dear, but I really insist on respect.”
Barnyard
Crabshaw: “You made a grave mistake in referring to that woman as an old hen.”
Pryce: “Why?”
Crabshaw: “Well, she must be very prominent. I see where she has been invited to lay a cornerstone.”
The Retort Discourteous
Hubby: “Darling, I think you spend altogether too much money in getting your palm read.”
Wife: “And, dear, I think you spend altogether too much money in getting your nose red.”
Dental Note
An old man at the movie theatre was groping for something on the floor and a woman in the next seat solicitously asked what he had lost.
“A caramel,” he told her.
“Do you mean to say that you’re going to all this bother for a single caramel?” she asked.
“Yes,” he replied. “My teeth are in it.”
This Satisfied Her
Sally (eloping): “Daddy is going to be completely unstrung.”
John: “That’s all right, dearest; we’ll wire him at once.”
Just a Flatterer
Whifflebotham: “It is a strange thing, but true, that the biggest fools have the most beautiful wives.”
Mrs. Whifflebotham (pleased): “Oh, what a flatterer you are, darling.”
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