Irecently received this comment. It, and how it affects me, hasconsumed my mind in the days since.
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I started reading your blog beforethe general conference posts which brought thousands of people to your site. Iliked your posts a lot more before. They were real, specific, less preachy andmore vulnerable. This allowed me to feel a little more connected to you as aperson.
I don't really check this bloganymore because I know what I'll find. Some great spiritual comments, advice tofocus on God and rely on him, and a lot of general statements... and then pagesof comments (usually from adoring girls, telling you how great you are, and howmuch they needed what ever you said.)This is fine, but it no longer is helpfulto me…
Like you have mentioned before, wedon't need people to teach us or tell us what's right, that's what the Savioris for. However I feel this is what you are doing.
I am glad people are growing closerto the Savior through your words, and hope it continues. I would just rememberthe counsel your Bishop gave you along time ago... be careful of your influenceand how it influences you.
I'm a prideful person and maybe I'mjust projecting my own feelings on to you. I could see myself coming home fromschool/ work and sitting down to my computer to see what blog comments I gottoday. The positive ones would make me feel good, like I'm making a difference.I would feel grateful for the Savior for helping me and restate that I'm doingthis to help others to Him. I would read negative comments, and think thatthere may be some truth to that and try to correct the problem. I would then thinkof another post, conscious (you're a bright guy) of the words I used, basicallyable to predict the comments I'll get. Maybe you do this, maybe you don't...but you know you have your faithful followers who will believe pretty muchwhatever you will say, and will think "look what's he's doing, he's right,I'm going to do that to, what an inspiration."
Okay now I'm rambling, I know thatand I'm sorry. You're trying to help people and you are. So good job. I justwant to let you know what would help me as another guy struggling with SSA whois also faithful to the Lord and his Church.
I want to know why life is extratough for you? (you claimed it in your title) What does a bad day look like foryou? What are you afraid of? What is going on in your life that you can'texplain? What brings you hope and what destroys it?
I want to see a real person again.(Booos from the crowd) Guess what, you're not perfect, let us see that anddon't try to sugar coat it. (When you have claimed imperfection recently itlike you're doing it to even be more likable.)
There are people here who think"Oh he's so wonderful, he's so humble, I'm sure he makes mistakes, butthey're so endearing I'm sure. He's an example, he's doing his best... oh ifmore people could be like him, etc. etc."
You know you are helping others andcontinue to do it... it's just starting to sound a little condescending becauseyou make it sound like you have it all figured out and now just need to endure.I'm probably wrong. I hope I am. I hope you are really as humble as you makeyourself sound.
I hope something I say has helped you.
- Anonymous
Whoever youare, thank you. Thank you for being willing to share your feelings, yourthoughts, and your frustrations to help me… for the courage that took, and thelove that I can feel from you. I’ve wondered recently if this blog is still theplace I wanted it to be, and your words did help. A few comments recently askedhow readers could help me and ‘people like me’ – how to help people who seem,on the surface, like they have it all put together. This is how you help them. You’re totally and completely honest. Youshare your true feelings. You realize that they still need lots of help… andyou try to help them in any way possible because you love them.
I haven’t shared much of my life here recently because I’mafraid of sharing something that would be a red flag for my close associates –some who read this blog and even post comments. I value my anonymity so muchthat I’ve even edited past posts to remove random shards of potential personalinformation. But I can see the importance here of being a real person, even ifI never share my name. And so I’ll try to answer some of your questions… andinclude them in the future. And hopefully something I can say can again resonate in your heart.
Some days I wake up with the fear that Ihave sinned so greatly that the blessings that God has promised me – in myPatriarchal blessing and personal revelations – won’t ever happen. That Satanhas robbed me of my birthright for a mess of pottage. I’m afraid that, becauseof my choices and my actions, I’ll be alone forever… that it will be my fault…that I won’t have a family, will never fall in love, and will never return toGod. And that I’ll never be able to make amends – that I am totally andcompletely lost. I’m even crying as I write this.
And the reason why I am so afraid is because it couldhappen. I’ve felt the despair. I’ve seen the darkness. God will always fulfillHis side of the promise. If I choose to do what is right, He will bless me. Butwhat about when I don’t make the right choices? What about when I’m fallingasleep at night, and the Spirit tells me to read my scriptures… and instead Ilook at pornography? It’s happened before. I’m still recovering. And though myability to resist has grown, the urges seem to get stronger and stronger withtime.
Sometimes I feel like I am on top of the world – and I feellike I finally have everything worked out in life – that I have mastered mytemptations and I can move on to the next stage in life. That God will fulfillHis promises because I am keeping His commandments. But I still fall. And whenI fall, I feel as if I’ve betrayed my only Friend for nothing… that I am livingin a dark pit of despair from which I’ll never return. And that perhaps I’vecrossed beyond the point of no return – the spot beyond which I could neverreturn back to God and receive His blessings. That is my fear. And when I fall,that is a bad day for me. I amwracked with the pains of a damned soul, I feel like a complete and totalhypocrite, and no amount of listing my accomplishments or numbering the peopleI’ve helped can lift my spirits. I look around at my outside world and everyoneexpects me to be a shining example, to live a great life, to share a smile anda comforting word and something profound that I’ve learned. People ask me foradvice, for prayers, for blessings, for guidance in helping them to share the gospelwith others. Thousands of people read my posts each day. And realizing thatI’ve lost my ability to communicate with God and do His will, even temporarily,by an action of my own choice, is the worst feeling I have ever felt… and, inthe end, I feel totally and completely alone.
Since I began this blog, I can’t remember a worse time in mylife. I’ve gone through weeks of being homeless, unemployed, friendless, andstressed beyond anything ever before. There have been days at a time when I didn’thave time (or a place) to sleep and weeks when life felt like it would cave in and destroyme.
Through it all, when I follow God, somehow my life feelsbetter. But when I don’t, when I try to go alone and turn away from Him, mylife is awful. My talents, blessings, and everything else in my life disappearin an abyss of darkness, isolation, depression, and despair.
Do I know everything? No. Do I have it all figured out? No. Rightnow I don’t even have a job or a direction in life. I don’t what is going tohappen – if I’ll ever get married, have a family, or even if I’ll be able tostay faithful and return to live with God.
But my life really isn’t awful. Because the one thing I dohave is God. And that’s why I writeso much about Him... and I leave the rest alone. Even now, as I listen, inside my heart the Lord is still speakingto me:
“In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; butwith everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thyRedeemer… For the mountains shall depart, and the hills shall be removed; butmy kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peacebe removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee” (Isaiah 54:8,10).
Even when I sin and turn from Him, He is always waiting for my return. And there is no point of no return - as long as I am willing to repent. Even if I never marry or have a family in this life, theLord will still keep His promises: “Neither let the (guy who is attracted toother guys and is never able to get married and have children) say, Behold, Iam a dry tree. For thus saith the Lord unto the [men who struggle with SSA]that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold ofmy covenant; Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls aplace and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them aneverlasting name, that shall not be cut off” (Isaiah 56:3-5).
I don’t know what will happen in my life. But the only thingI have left to hold on to is my faith – my knowledge that God will keep Hispromises as He has in the past… if I am willing to sacrifice everything to dowhat is right. Even with the gospel, my life is rough. Without it, my life would be impossible. And so I only hope that I’ll be able to keep the faith… and that, somehow, themen and women like me will find the same shard of hope that lights my life.
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