And I was reminded that God loves me. In every way possible, the Lord told me that He loved me yesterday. Strangers walked up to me on the street and gave me hugs, or texted me and thanked me for a random thing I had done in their lives. Friends and family members called to check on me. Many of you posted comments or wrote personal messages. And a member of my Bishopric felt prompted to come by my house to see if I needed anything. Thank you...
I gave up my anger and tried to understand - to figure out what I could do so that I wouldn't push more people away. I learned that some people think I'm too friendly. Others blame the fact that I skip smalltalk, or that I'm overly confident and direct in showing people I care about them. And another said that treating everyone like my best friend could be the reason. Then the Lord gave me two thoughts... Both of which have made me think.
The first was echoed by some of you - don't worry about what other people think... Life isn't between you and others... Love people unconditionally even when they reject you... Rely on the Lord to know what you are doing right and wrong - not someone else's judgment... This was what helped me realize how little self-esteem I had at the moment. At least at that moment, everything in my life revolved around others... including my own personal self-worth. That places way too big a burden on others... and will ultimately fail. People can't meet all my needs, and I should rely on God anyway.
The other thought, which I haven't entertained much, is how much easier it would be to navigate life and avoid difficulties in communication if I could simply lay down all the cards on the table: if I and everyone else could honestly share our griefs, pains, trials, and sorrows with others so that they could better understand our needs and we theirs. It's the first time I've actually pondered merging my two worlds into one - putting a name and face to Mormon Guy and using my attraction to guys as a reason to who I am in real life. For the first time, I wasn't concerned about the impact it would have on my family, or on how people would think of me. I mean, I keep a blog on being spiritual and attracted to guys. I'm committed to staying clean for a girl even when part of me says she doesn't exist and I'll never find her. What girl wouldn't kill for a husband like that? Seriously, though, I feel peace about who I am, the growth and spirituality repentance in my life, and the work I'm doing in my part of the field. The only thing that made me wonder, is wondering if that choice - to become a public figure with a name instead of a cool pseudonym (It even shows up at the top of alphabetical lists! How's that for cool?) - would help or hinder the work and my own ability to serve in the Church and my workplace/chosen field. Right now it doesn't feel like the right choice. But it's a choice-- one that hasn't been in the past.
I don't know what will happen with my relationship with this Priesthood leader. I knew I wouldn't see him today, so I texted him (I think I may stop texting... or at least stop texting when I could call or talk in person the next time I see someone...) the following message: "[Name] - I hated you this morning...But I wanted to let you know that I forgive you and I'm sorry. Don't share this link with anyone [link to this blog]." I didn't know what to do except be completely honest with him - to lay all the cards on the table. I don't know if he'll follow the link, or if coming to (Gay) Mormon Guy will solidify my being a creep... but something inside me said I should give him that chance - the chance to see me in a totally different world... where maybe he would realize that at least my creepiness was unintended and totally benign. Whatever happens - if I find a friend who is willing to help me through life or someone who wants lots of space - I'll be okay. Really. Today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow is a new day.
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