One of the things I have had to struggle with throughout my life is my own opinion. I have a hard time believing my own opinion over the opinions of others. To use a superficial example, I might make a comment about how beautiful the blue sky is. Someone else might argue that the sky isn't blue, it's turquoise. Though in the moment, I might maintain that the sky is blue, after the discussion, my mind is full of doubts. Even if many others call the sky blue, even if the person who believes it is turquoise calls other things of the same hue blue, even if I'm in possession of a spectroanalysis that indicates there are no greenish tints in the sky, I still worry whether or not I am wrong, and have been wrong my whole life.
This is not a good quality in a disciple of Christ, from what I can see. And I don't know what to do about it.
I've been watching a show called Intervention by A&E which is, by no coincidence, about addictions and intervention. As I watch, I begin to draw parallels between the those who are addicted and myself. I wonder if my perpetual negative thoughts about myself (as I worry about whether or not I am wrong, begin to beat up on myself, and fill my own head with failure) parallel addictive behavior, avoiding pain by causing it myself. Though I have been taught the strength not to mask my feelings behind some other outlet, which is some comfort.
The outpouring of love by those around the addicted people is amazing to watch, but I can't help but wonder why it had to get that bad before someone would intervene. Why does a person need to face the destruction of their life before anyone takes such a strong stand against it? Of course, most of us don't want to control those in our lives until things get really bad. We don't want to take a stand because we're afraid of alienating the loved one or of trying to deny them their agency. To tie back to a previous post, we are afraid of our own potential to abuse.
So often, I feel alone though I know I have friends and family who are there for me. I can't ask for the type of support I sometimes feel I need. It would not be fair to those with lives of their own. And I begin to wonder why I even think I need their support. I believe in the Atonement, do I not? I believe that Christ can do what He says He will do, right? So why can't I feel it? He is the one who should be filling that void.
Why does it feel like I'm the only person on the battlefield, fighting imaginary enemies, while the real battle occurs two counties away?
Why does my heart still doubt what my head knows?
When will the things I've dedicated my life to become real for me?
When is a trial of faith done?
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