One extreme says that it is the most cruel, evil, dishonest, selfish, sadistic, and everything else thing I could ever do to marry a woman who doesn't take my breath away and make my heart skip a beat with a glance. Those who adhere to that extreme also sometimes use it as a reason why it would be better for me to leave the Church and "find a man."
The other side says, often with decades of experience, that sexual attraction between spouses isn't necessary for a happy, fulfilled, and successful relationship. Then they mention that those who think amazing sexual relations in marriage are crucially necessary for its survival obviously lack the maturity, commitment, and real love to stay married to a spouse who becomes quadriplegic, partially paralyzed, or simply ages poorly.
Since I've recently gotten heated comments from both sides, I thought I would share my viewpoint here.
I believe that the decision to marry, for me and others who live with same-sex attraction, is a personal one. Some men and women will make the righteous decision to live with lifelong celibacy - focusing on how they can help the world as a whole and believing in the promise that they'll find love in the end. Some won't. As far as the criteria for marriage, and how the Brethren feel about it, I agree with what the Brethren have said in an official statement when asked whether male Church members who are attracted to other guys should marry:
"Persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate."
So there are three criteria.
1: "Have cleaned themselves of any transgression" - which extends beyond just repentance for an action; in my mind it means that I have overcome my temptations, have repented, and am living a truly clean life.
2: "Ability to... put the feelings in the background" - I think this shares a key component. The feelings may never completely go away. But deciding to marry is based on how well I can mitigate and act when the feelings are present - to take control of my life and define myself as a son of God even when temptation is there.
3: "Feel a great attraction for a daughter of God" - this is pretty self-explanatory, but, drawing from the statement, it needs to extend to wanting to be married, have children, and share eternity together. Obviously I would never marry someone that I didn't want to share eternity with.
All three components require miracles on the part of the Lord. The miracle of forgiveness, the miracle of strength and faith, and the miracle of falling in love.
So where do I stand? I've seen miracles in my life with forgiveness and change, and I've found strength in the gospel to face my trials. But I haven't felt the last one yet, and so that's what I'm waiting for. In my patriarchal blessing it talks about my future wife and me being completely and totally in love with each other - with nothing in the world able to come between us. I just haven't found the girl of my dreams so that I can become her guy yet. It'll happen eventually; until then, I keep loving, and looking, and living. I wonder what love language she'll have...
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