I'm not going to blog today. I actually wrote this post yesterday, along with the posts for tomorrow, and Thursday. I have a lot on my plate right now, and so I'm doing a blog fast (along with a normal one) to focus my thoughts. It simply entails not reading or writing any blogs and not checking my blog-related emails for a few days.
Why? It was a thought I had, and I need all the help I can get right now. I decided to try it. There isn't really a reason why.
But that's fine - on to the post.
Part of the issue of not being attracted to girls is the awkwardness of being physically near them. It's like when they had cooties all over again, except way, way worse... and no chance of ever growing out of it.
I have a friend who recently expressed her frustration because I never touch her. She's totally right - I don't. In my mind there's a reason... but I am contemplating change.
I've never actually had a huge problem touching girls; the issue comes when I think about the nonverbal social messages that come with touch. Hug at the end of an encounter = I really enjoy being in your company. Hug at the end of a date = I feel really comfortable with you. More hugs at the end of dates = I must really like hugging you... and so on.
I can't even imagine the messages that get sent from cuddling on the couch... but, wait a second. I'm being a bit unreasonable. Actually thinking about it, the underlying social messages can't
be all that intense. Guys cuddle with girls all the time and then never talk to each other again. Hey - they have makeout sessions and never talk to each other again.
So why am I so concerned about sending the wrong messages?
I think that part of it is wanting to be completely honest with girls. If I'm uncomfortable with my arm around a girl, I probably won't put my arm around her. And I probably won't kiss her at the doorway. More like a definite no on that one. I've made way too many girls cry already to do anything that would lead them on when our feelings aren't completely mutual.
But at the same time, physical proximity, and touch, are a vital way of developing attraction, and of showing I care about others. And touch plays a part even in friendship and totally nonromantic relationships. In the case of my friend, I find I'm unwilling even to hug girls until I know for sure that they have no glimmering hope that I'll fall in love with them. And while that may accurately express my lack of romantic desire, being standoffish is a type of disapproval that can really hurt.
So I guess that I've decided to change two things in my life. Sort of scary. I'll be more open with touch and other nonverbal ways to show I really do care when I'm around girls... and at the same time I'll be more vocal with girls who have romantic hopes to explain the meaning of what I do... and the realities of the difficulties of being more than my friend.
I'm not sure how this is going to work. I can already see myself with a girl on each arm watching a movie... and having major issues. But it's worth a try, right? Ready, set...
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