I agree that I'm definitely intense. And not like most other people (this blog is called (Gay) Mormon Guy). But I still wanted the mark of approval from society on my life. Whatever the issue, I realized I had only two options if I wanted people to completely accept me - somehow make them change to accept my choices, or change my choices to be "more acceptable."
In both cases, there's incredible danger. If I change my choices and actions for acceptance from just anywhere, I will almost always end up shooting for a bar far lower than what God has in store for me. On the other hand, if I try to convince others to accept my actions, I am asserting that my bar is high enough - again, running the definite risk that I may be complacent with the happiness that my life brings when there could be better things in store.
Hopefully I'm being clear that this is about condoning actions. People have always loved me. I've always known that. But love is different from condoning and supporting who I am... and my friends and colleagues rarely supported me when I declined major school events that happened on Sunday, or didn't play sports on Sunday, or when I felt a greater responsibility to my personal relationship with God than to anything else. Or whatever else it was. I wanted them to understand and accept my actions - to condone them and, by doing so, somehow eliminate the feeling of being ostracized by society for my choices.
I tried changing who I was within the bounds of the gospel. Then I tried changing the people to help them see my vision. But in the years that have passed, I've realized that what I wanted - the feeling of true acceptance and support of my choices in life - can't come from society. True acceptance, of me and my choices, can only come from someone who knows me and my circumstances completely... and there is only One - God - who does. Yes, society could be nicer to those who choose to live their lives honestly, openly, with faith. But that's not the issue, because even if society accepted me it wouldn't fill my need. Even if I became world famous and everyone loved me, it wouldn't make a difference... because no one can see inside my mind to who I really am - to judge me for my actions and to support me in the good things I try to do. Looking for acceptance anywhere other than from God is looking too low. Only God knows me. And only He truly understands the measure of worth and value... and can give the stamp of approval that I needed... the true measure of acceptance for who I am.
God loves all His children, and He approves of the actions that follow His Plan to bring us back to Him someday. Today I know that God accepts and approves of me, and that's all that really matters.
But God's acceptance is only temporary. It only counts for today.
And with His acceptance comes a sacred obligation to raise the bar higher and higher - and to never let my eyes leave heaven. I think that focusing on acceptance from the world lowers my sights and easily leads to complacency. God holds me to an ever higher standard. And as it rises I will rise to the occasion. As I go through life, I'm sure He will continue to raise the bar of my actions and what He expects of me... because He understands me completely. And as I turn to Him, He will give me the strength to clear the bar, every time...
Today I'm good. Tomorrow I hope to be better. And, in the end, I hope to hear my God say, "Well done, thou true and faithful servant... Enter into the rest of the Lord."
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