But something strange clicked when I first saw guys kissing. Something stirred inside me and suddenly I had the desire to try it... a desire that seemed totally and completely foreign... and suddenly I understood what others felt... and wanted to feel more. To be in the scene and to feel the flood of emotions that had already begun to stir.
And then I did a double-take. This wasn't the kiss of husband and wife when they've made covenants to serve God and each other for eternity. This was a passionate kiss between two men who were glorifying the natural man in front of a camera... and yet, along with the revulsion that also came naturally with that thought, I felt drawn more than I had ever been before. And inside, I realized that I had to make a choice. Which feeling to cultivate, and which to follow and believe.
I made the decision to listen to my soul... and not my hormones... and have since tried to cultivate the peace that comes from living the gospel each day. I've found meaning in turning to God, hope in following His counsel, and purpose in doing what is right even when my body, my mind, and others are telling me to go the other way.
It still happens. Some days I'm online and suddenly there's a picture of two guys kissing that makes it past my pop-up, ad, and everything else blocker... and the emotions flare. My heart quickens, and I feel the tugging from two sides in my heart... two choices that will determine my mortal and eternal destiny. One promises eternal happiness, incredible meaning, growth, heartache, love, faith, hope, and trials and strength beyond what I can imagine with God at my side. The other offers love, acceptance, pleasure, earthly happiness, and instant gratification with a guy beside me. And both are telling the truth.
That's one of the biggest difficulties I think that men like me face. It's totally and completely possible to live a fulfilling, happy life with another guy. Being gay wouldn't immediately strike me down with AIDS or even destroy my ability to function as a citizen. In society today I could have romance, a family, a job, even get specialized hiring benefits from diversity programs if I were gay. In a monogamous gay relationship I could have everything I think I want.
On the other side, I have the word of God, His prophets, and His voice and He speaks to me... promising me that if I will live faithfully, I'll receive all the blessings I want and need... In due time... and it will be many, many times worth what the alternative can offer. And I've seen some of those blessings... but I still don't know exactly what the Lord has in mind for me. I still don't know when or how or even if in this life I'll see the fruition of the faith I need to show.
And so that's my choice. To sacrifice the feelings of attraction that God gave me, my dreams, and hopes for a family and love, and to consecrate my life through faith - believing that He will take care of me... or to rely on and follow what I can see and feel today.
It's a trial that I wish everyone could undergo. A crushing, overwhelming process of realizing that I will fail without God and have to choose to follow Him. That, in this moment, life is black or white... and that I have to rely on faith... and nothing more. Faith that, even if the pain and the passion and the patience never goes away, I will be a better man... And have made the right choice. It has turned me into the man I am today, and I have seen God's hand in my life. I know it's the right choice, because I've talked with God. But I still have to have faith... to choose to believe.
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