Here's a glimpse into the turmoil in my mind... at least a part I can share here:
A few days ago I felt something for a girl - something different than I've ever felt before. It was an amazing experience... and while it was happening I wondered what it meant.
I've never been attracted to girls, and yet I know that someday I'll find a/the right girl, fall deeply in love, be married in the temple for time and all eternity, and have a family. I understand all the pieces after the falling in love part... and I've always wondered how that would work. In my mind's eye, I knew it would probably take a lot of work anyway. I envisioned developing an emotional and spiritual relationship with someone, then finally, one day, getting hit by a spiritual clap of lightning, something like cupid's arrow that would change me and make me in love in the places I can't.
And so the feeling I felt, for someone I had only barely met, made me wonder. Was it going to be easier than I thought? Was this a somewhat subtle sign that I had found someone that it might work out with?
Just one issue - she wasn't available to date and wasn't interested in breaking her current exclusivity. So when I asked for her number, all I got was her name.
I was somewhat confused. Um... normally when the Lord gives me some type of sign there's also an open door - not total rejection.
Then I realized that maybe it was something different. Maybe it wasn't a sign of finding the "one"... but just proof that I was slowly becoming attracted to girls as a whole - something that sort of scares me. I've already done the dating thing for years. Adding another facet, while it would ultimately be awesome, would put me in unfamiliar territory - a 16-year-old in a much older life. I'm not sure if I want to be lovestruck at this point.
But maybe that was it. So on another date since I tried to cultivate that same feeling - to do everything I had done before. But looking into her eyes didn't make me want to keep looking. I didn't think to myself "I could listen to her all night" or even spend much time talking with her, even though we had a lot in common. Which means that it isn't a universally applied thing.
And so I'm sort of lost. And that's only a tenth of the confusion. I haven't had the think & pray time to figure this or anything else out yet. I know it'll work out, that God will help me, and that I'll understand life eventually. Today, at least, I have the peace that comes with knowing that... but in the meantime, though, even with faith, I'm still somewhat confused.
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