To most people around me, I look like my life is ideal. I'm active in the Church. I do "everything" right. I'm always at the front, in callings and work and other roles. I'm almost always happy, friendly, and outgoing. I've even had people and family members tell me that my life is perfect. And, in some ways, I believe them. I mean, for the most part, my life is ideal - a firm and abiding knowledge of the gospel, parents that inspire faith, and my own personal experiences coming to know God and learning to communicate with Him in all things.
But that's only part of the story. And if people knew the other part... I'm confident they wouldn't idolize me or want to trade lives. Anyone who reads (Gay) Mormon Guy would probably agree. Deep down inside, for years I've struggled with base instincts and carnal desires, temptations and thoughts that could make a romance writer blush. I live with depression that can hit me like a ton of bricks. I've gone up and down in phases and cycles and seen the height and breadth of God and felt the abysmal tension of losing the Spirit in my life. And now, even though I've had incredible spiritual experiences, I still struggle. I still dig holes for myself and jump in, headlong. I have everything I need to move forward - faith, support, the power of God made manifest in my life... and yet sometimes I look at my life and feel like I'm in the same place I was last time I looked - or even a step backwards.
I think I am beginning to understand how Nephi felt as he fled from his brothers with his family following the death of his father... and then bemoaned his lack of faith for feeling anger and fear toward them... when the Lord had made it obvious to him that He would always be at his side. He had been fighting this feeling, willing himself to change, submitting to the will of the Lord, for decades... and yet it was still a thorn in his side. I feel the same way. I know that through God, all things are possible. If I follow Him, everything will work out for the best - not just for the good - everything will be a hundred times better because I have followed Him. And it's true. Life really is more hopeful, happier, more fulfilling, and better in every way when I follow Him. So, with that knowledge, and after all that the Lord has done for me, why do I still give space for the enemy of my soul?
There are so many things I need to improve. I find myself judging others, wishing I had different roles in life, feeling like I could do a better job than someone else. In my relationships, I give people advice for their own problems in life, but never ask for advice, or anything, in return... I'm involved in their lives and never open the door to my heart, except for the part that I wear on my sleeve. I sometimes tame my thoughts, and sometimes don't.
For me, learning more integrity, and somehow lessening my own hypocrisy, starts inside. It means honestly keeping the covenants and promises I've made, and making time to ensure that those commitments will be kept - every single time. It means always doing things for the right reason - to give glory to God and to build His kingdom. And it means recommitting myself each day to living a new life, free from guile and completely clean. It's possible to live a life of integrity - even attracted to guys in the Church. I can be true to God, to myself, and to others. It just takes a lot of work, and the willingness to live each day one at a time.
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