I remember my curiosity being piqued... it makes sense that the mind and body follows discrete patterns... but is there an actual way to track them, outside of the stuff that girls do? I definitely wondered if there was anything real about biorhythms, and tossed myself headfirst.
The first problem I ran into was inherent bias - the placebo effect. If I chart my own biorhythm, it's much more likely to become true if I think it's a plausible explanation for mental, spiritual, physical, or emotional health. And it's more likely to be false if I disbelieve it in the first place. Unfortunately, I've never had the opportunity to have someone else track my moods and performance over time and match them to my "official" biorhythm according to the normal equations... but ultimately that's not totally relevant. What my teacher was trying to explain was the importance of understanding when to fly and when to fall back - the natural ups and downs of life and how to best use them.
I hit a massive down this week. On a bunch of levels. All at once. It would have been the bottom of all my biorhythms - the day that the charts told me to stay inside and plan nothing important. It was Memorial Day. So I found myself feeling like my head would explode, my brain turn to mush, and my whole body would freeze (wrapped in a dozen blankets), while simultaneously having to cancel holiday plans because I couldn't stop crying. Craziness. My depression has ceased to really be detrimental on my overall attitude, but it still makes me wonder about it all. The thought was more than a little absurd - here I am, able to tell my body to do pretty much anything I want, and yet I find myself crying for absolutely no reason and totally unable to stop. And when I've been crying for hours, posting and responding to comments is no longer at the top of my list.
Something this had made me wonder about is the huge amount of uncertainty that will come when I eventually find a wife. I probably won't find someone as messed up as I am (since the blog here at (Gay) Mormon Guy doesn't even scratch the surface of my problems)... but everyone faces trials. Everyone has difficulties. And everyone has things the Lord has or will ask them to consecrate beyond their personal will. I guess I just wonder what those things will be like for the girl I'll someday marry. What's her story of learning to trust and rely on God? Of coming to know who He is? Of finding peace in the doctrines of the gospel as they bring perspective to everything in life? How did she realize that all things, even potentially complicated or hard things like same-sex attraction, can be for our good and give us experience if we "endure it well," "love God... and serve Him"?
Someday I'll find a girl to marry. And we'll promise to each other and to God to love and support each other - whether or not health comes... Whether or not our dreams come true. We'll make the commitment, and rely on the Lord, finding peace and hope and happiness in the truth that the gospel brings each day.
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