My siblings watched a movie about a cappella music tonight, and I joined for segments while trying to revive my phone from a recent restore.

And it made me think.

Of all the things on my bucket list, performing with an a cappella group (outside of Madrigals) is one that has never happened. I've tried to start a group a dozen times - with family, friends, random strangers who sing... I took years of dance in a dozen styles... I've sung in musicals, opera, and done group recordings... And yet I've never really jumped all the way in. I've never really tried. Partly because the opportunities I've had conflicted with the pathway I felt I needed to take. This performance or that practice schedule didn't fit with other things that I needed to do in life. Partly because I am miserable at leveraging anything within the social sphere... and music has about as much drama and politics as people can imagine.

And partly because I'm afraid. Not of failure or success in music, but in making connections with people. I don't want to join a group and make the implicit commitment to be all in only to realize that I feel like I'm on the outside... and unable to be a central part of the team. Especially if someone else wanted the spot, and had the ability to mesh more than me.

So I've never really tried.

Part of me feels like there's room opening up in my life to try. Partly because I have plenty of fallbacks now, and partly because I feel like I'm finally finishing pieces of the divine to-do list that has pushed me along. This is my last semester in the MBA. My brother is getting better. (Gay) Mormon Guy is in a good place. Our business is growing.

I wonder if I should be afraid, because this feels like the calm before the storm...

And I'm not sure if I have the courage to even try. That sounds awful. But it's real.

Hopefully I'll change that.
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