There are some days I wish had never been born. Days where jumping off a bridge seems like it would only be gratifying a world that doesn't want me as I am. Days where I want to cry and shout all at once because my mind is so ravaged and depressed. Days where I feel the pull to cut ties with humanity completely and pretend to withdraw back to my own world - or at least a world where people honestly speak their minds and value me for who I am.

Today is one of those days.

I've realized why I spend so much time with people who are in crisis. It's because they need me, and because, as long as they are in crisis, I know they want me there. As soon as the crisis disappears, so does the relationship... but as long as I don't try to push it beyond that, I'm okay... because I realize it's going to happen anyway.

Sometimes, though, I make the decision to believe again that I can be worthwhile to someone who isn't in crisis. To try again to build something that isn't based on acute need... and in almost every case, I fail. Today I feel like I'm failing again.

There are two relationships I've been building over the same course of time. Both built on almost the exact same grounds, both almost identical in many ways - time, connection, distance, frequency. Both have been cultivated for over a year, slowly trying to grow something meaningful. In many cases, I had the exact same conversation in both relationships on the same day. Which means that, in my mind, the only difference between the two is the person on the other side. Being my friend is hard. Always, there are huge obstacles that need to be overcome. And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. One relationship has weathered the storms. In the other, I feel like we regressed to square one over the course of just a few weeks. We've gone from strangers to brothers to strangers again, and I feel like I was robbed of all the time and love I put in.

If nothing else, the dichotomy has taught me important things about myself and what I bring to relationships. Intense love, complete honesty, humility, candor, and a willingness to do anything to keep the commitments I make. It also has highlighted the things that others need to bring in order for the relationship to work - which is perhaps even more important. People need to reciprocate what I bring, or at least be willing to work towards that: love, honesty, candor, and commitment.

In the relationship that is working, I can be completely honest and know that the other person won't judge me or retaliate in any way. I tried that honesty in the other, and everything felt like it fell apart. In one relationship, I can count on everything the person says to be exactly what he means, and that he will do exactly what he says he will... and that he always wants to know what I think. In the other, I've realized that my problems and thoughts are a liability - if I'm honest, it could cause stress in the relationship or make the other person feel uncomfortable. It already has. I just got punished for being honest, and in the conversation that happened there was no promise that it wouldn't happen again... just talk about how awful that honesty was. In one, when he tells me he cares about me, I believe it. In the other, I have a hard time.

So I cut my losses and move on. In one relationship, I can be myself because I know that it will be okay. In the other, I tell him that he needs to create the structure of our friendship because I'm tired of constantly making mistakes and not knowing what to do. Maybe it will work out. The balls not in my court anymore. And when/if he reads this, it'll be another point of honesty on my part... and a determination if honesty is really okay.

Hopefully, I learn from this experience and should be able to choose my future potential friends more wisely.

I've made the mistake in the past of trying to be friends with good people who don't want to keep their commitments. Or with people who don't really love me, or with people who are too nice to be honest and candid with me when problems arise. I can begin a friendship, and it can even seem to be going in the right direction. But ultimately those mistakes have always been fatal, and the wreckage of my relationships often pushes me to stop engaging in human society altogether.

The biggest issue is that, even with this knowledge, I don't know what to do moving forward. So I need to find people who match these characteristics. But how? Most people "almost" match, especially from a distance or during the initial contact when they wear a skin of perfection. They seem to keep their commitments, but really don't. They are honest until they have to say things that make them vulnerable. And they're willing to love only when it's convenient. In the early stages of both of these friendships I mentioned, I was candid with them. Both wondered why I would tell them that being my friend would be hard. And both have hit that point where things go right or things go wrong. One made it through, and the other is sinking... like most of the other friendships I've tried to make.

I don't know.

I'm in incredible pain, and I already know that some people don't want to see that. Part of me wants to hate the world. To become bitter towards a society that cultivates such incredible atrocities and can cause so much pain. And part of me, right now, feels that way.

But the other part of me feels like it's all my fault. Because, I mean, look out at society and people at large. They're happy with their relationships. The people who have hurt me the most have friends of their own, and find peace and joy in life without having the characteristics I need in a friend. Which means that it's not their problem.

It's mine.

I'm bipolar. Autistic. And I have major emotional baggage that I bring to any relationship, outside of the actual issues with my brain and social cognition. Which means that maybe being my friend - investing fully like people may sometimes do - maybe isn't worth it. Maybe I'm not worth it. For some people, yeah... but for others no.

And while a thought came into my mind that I could be angry with God for setting me up to fail - for opening me up to the incredible pain and inevitable loneliness that has come from the many problems inside my head and heart - I know that even in pain there's meaning. Even in sorrow, there's light. Yes, God set me up. But that's not a bad thing. Everything from God is a blessing... even the pain that I'm feeling today that makes me want to throw up and cry all at once, let alone go to school and tell people I'm "doing fine." I just wish that the pain would go away. That I could be normal.

I had a dream a few nights ago where God asked me what I wanted most in life. It was after I had spent most of the day trying to help people who needed hope. I thought about my relationships. I began crying as I realized what I really, truly, honestly wanted... and what answer I would need to give anyway. I've wanted to feel friendship since I knew what it was. But when I opened my mouth, I told Him that I wanted to be able to help people come back to Him - to be a better missionary and friend to those in need. Because that was the right choice... the noble one... the reason that I'm here on earth in the first place. And then I told Him about my other wishes and desires... and, in that moment, honestly believed that He would take care of me. I asked Him to help me find direction in my friendships - that I would understand where to invest my time and effort to find people who really care. Maybe He wouldn't give me #2 and #3 on my list just yet... but #1 for sure, and He would help me feel His love. And, I'm realizing as I write this, that He is answering my prayer. Maybe this friendship won't work out. Either way, it helps me rethink my investment. It's better to know now than later.

This has happened before. I made it out okay before, and I grew closer to the Lord as I let Him heal my heart. I just need to find the faith to believe in Him, and believe in humanity... and determine how to move forward.

It'll work out. It has to... because I don't know what else to do.
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