And, despite all that, right now I feel an incredible longing that I can't seem to quench. Sometimes it stays silent, but when I talk with someone, or think too deeply about life, it wakes and pulls somewhere deep in my gut and my brain. Pulling me, sometimes so hard that I can't concentrate on anything else... but without a place to go. Longing, so deeply that I sit staring... but with no way of getting there. When it comes, as it did moments ago, the feeling seems to shift and flow - sometimes feeling like a fleeting ethereal mist, then suddenly bordering on the edge of emotional pain so intense that it knocks me flat.

I'm not totally sure what the problem is. Maybe it's the feeling that comes right as my bipolar is about to switch into depression. Maybe it's some sort of embedded longing to cuddle with a guy. Maybe I ate something, or didn't eat enough. Maybe it's a longing to be emotionally close to someone - anyone - and an echo of the deeply resonating emptiness when I realize that even when I & others try we still have a long ways to go. Maybe it's a longing for Heaven - I read a CS Lewis quote today that was something like, "If I feel a longing that can't be met by this world, then the only logical assumption is that I was made for another."

I don't know.

It feels sort of like the wonder/awe/love I feel when I watch the rain and know that God loves me, but twisted and empty and backwards and opposite of all those things. Which is probably why, when I've felt this way in the past, I usually prayed for rain. And rain... or perhaps the presence and love of God... can somehow quench it when nothing else can.

And I wonder if a therapist could help me process my emotions or complete enough self-reflection to enable it go away and never come back.

Or even if I want it to go away.

Maybe it's just a reminder that I'm imperfect and need God... and this is one way He reminds me.

Maybe there isn't anything wrong with me at all.

Because in moments like this, on the edge of excrutiating pain, I find myself suddenly remembering the people around me... and caring about them far more than I did a few hours ago. I find myself writing a blog post when it's been days since I felt the desire. I find myself turning inside myself, trying to find ways to solve the problems that I see... and those are all good things.

Again, do I want it to go away?

Do I want to live a life free of pain... and also thus free of the reminders of imperfect mortality? Do I want to solve my problems and find complete and total peace... and perhaps forget or lose my desire to reach out entirely?

Would living a painless life make me forget how sweet it is to see the hand of God during suffering?

I'm thinking about finding a therapist, but I don't know what my goal would be. Maybe I'm attached to my own cycle of suffering and unable to give it up. Maybe I don't know how to get close to people, or I'm afraid of them, or maybe there's really nothing wrong.

I don't know.

All I know is that it hurts... and it hurts more because I don't know what it is, I don't know how or if to fix it, and I don't know how anyone else can help... and because it always ends up hurting the people that care about me, too.

*sigh*

I'm going to pray for rain.