I'm physically attracted to men.

And physically repulsed by women.

That's a rough thing to write. Repulsion usually carries a deep, painful connotation - I'm repulsed by the smell of rotting garbage, or the offer of drugs or alcohol, or maggots. To say I'm physically repulsed by women, and to put all those in the same category... doesn't seem a very nice thing to do.

But the times I kissed a girl, albeit on stage, I felt almost the same way. The times I tried to imagine myself falling in love with a girl, the feeling came back. It's strong enough to almost want to say, "If you're interested in me, please don't touch me. Please don't kiss me. And please, please, please don't wear revealing clothes in my presence."

All that taken into account, it's hard for me to see myself falling in love with a woman.

But I could fall in love emotionally, or in other ways. It's much harder to see myself being physically attracted to a woman.

And yet God promises that, if I'm faithful, patient, and live my life according to His commandments, someday that'll happen to me. I'll fall in love with a woman, get married, and have a family.

Do I believe it will happen? Yeah. 

Do I understand how it will happen? Not at all. 

Do I know when? Absolutely no idea.

All that, combined with my current repulsion, sometimes makes it a little hard to find peace in the fact that God has my back. 

Part of hope and trust in God is realizing that He has my best interests at heart... and hence He cares about my feelings the same way I do. Earlier this week I was trying to phrase my feelings the right way so that God's promises are most compelling. Wording is pretty important... because choosing the wrong words can make the most beautiful, awesome promise into garbage. 

The promise that "Someday I'll be forever in love with someone I currently find repulsive, showing love in ways that would make my stomach curdle"...

That's not really a promise I want.

And while the words may technically be accurate, they aren't wholly true to the promise that God has made me.

"Someday I'll fall in love with a woman God has chosen for me, get married, and raise a family. And while I don't know who she is or how it will happen, the promise is that it will happen, and and be awesome, and pursuing that path will make me far happier now, then, and after than any other road I could follow."

It's the same promise, but it definitely sounds a whole lot better.

The world around me would tell me I don't need to wait - that I should find a guy to fall in love with and chart my own path. But they don't see the reality. God exists. He is real. He knows me personally. He also knows EVERYTHING. And loves me and wants me to be as happy as possible. That's why He has outlined the Plan - His Plan - and why He wants me to follow it. While I probably could find a guy to love, God knows, and I know deep inside because He has confirmed it to me, that finding and falling for a guy wouldn't be worth selling my soul. God will take care of me, in His time and His way, if I follow Him. 

Perhaps that's one reason why I live the life I do - to learn patience. I must have had a lot of patience to learn. :)

I know that following the path God has revealed, no matter what He asks, will always bring the greatest happiness. I have tough days where I wish that my life were simpler. I have moments where I wonder what life would be like if I answered the call of the world. I realize how easy it really would be to turn away from God and leave it all behind. He will never leave me... and, thankfully, I haven't left Him. Hopefully I never will.