A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, an infamous father named Vader ironically quipped, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” 

Irony and fiction aside, many present-day parents continue to find their children’s lack of faith not only disturbing but heartbreaking. Such heartbreak, however, is becoming normative. National data indicate that almost half (44%) of Americans have left the religious affiliation of their childhood. Additionally, 78% of those who identified themselves as religiously unaffiliated (a.k.a. “Nones”) reported that they were raised in religious families. 

Many members of devout faith ask, What can we do to slow this religious exodus? 

Many who view religion as unimportant or even harmful may think, Why even try? Good riddance to religion. 

Indeed, both camps have a leg upon which to stand. Religion can both help and harm—a dualistic reality documented by several of our own recent studies. While emotion can run high around religion, both medical and social science (including the branches of psychology, family studies, and sociology) provide scores of studies indicating that religiosity tends to correlate with positive youth development via beneficial outcomes like moral development, lower engagement in high-risk behaviors, better parent-child relationships, and clear identity formation.

Adolescence, however, is not the end. Benefits correlated with religiosity appear to not only continue but expand during early, mid, and later adulthood. 

Given that religion can be a potent force for good—or bad—it is vitally important to understand the differences between healthy, “generative devotion” and “destructive faith.”

When religion is lived out well, much good tends to come. Across three editions of the Handbook of Religion and Health (2001, 2012, and 2024), Harold Koenig and colleagues have systematically reviewed a combined total of more than 3,000 studies. In summary, health outcomes associated with high religious involvement are extensive and include (1) higher levels of mental health and positive coping, (2) lower rates of cancer and heart disease, and (3) significantly greater longevity and quality of life. The wise reader is aware that “correlation is not necessarily causation,” but as the related body of studies has climbed from hundreds to thousands, the case for correlation between high religious involvement and various aspects of health has been firmly established.    

A fourth benefit involves a more stable and satisfying marriage when a faith is actively shared.

It seems that most parents (religious or not) would desire this array of benefits for their own children. Yet, it is not merely the physical and mental health concerns that haunt the religious parent whose child is “done” with religion. For many religious parents of children who have exited, it is the relational concerns that weigh heaviest. Relationships with family, relationships with God … what will become of these?

Our future as researchers will be spent trying to find answers to these difficult problems and helping families to best navigate the related tensions and challenges in optimal ways. However, our past three decades have been spent interviewing exemplary parents of faith, to learn about their lessons learned and “best practices” as their children and youth were growing up. We will discuss five different important concepts shared with us by these parents and youth.

Concept 1: Youth-Centered Conversations

In our in-depth interviews with strong families, we learned that religious conversations between parents and their children often yielded two specific outcomes. One resulted in positive youth development, and the other resulted in frustration for the youth. The youth in our study identified that when their parents lectured them about religion, they felt resistant and closed off. When youth were allowed to direct the conversations, these youth-centered dialogues resulted in them feeling more involved and more comfortable sharing their deeper thoughts, reflections, and concerns with their parents. Key parts of youth-centered conversations included: 

1. Youth talk more, and parents listen more … and lecture less.

2. Youth seek and receive understanding from parents.

3. Religion is authentically related and connected to the youth’s life.

4. Open and consistent conversations between parent and child take place.

5. Parent-youth interaction nurtures their shared relationship.

Key implications from these findings are that most youth want and need to be involved in meaningful religious conversations with their parents and other family members. This means that parents need to listen more and preach less. A 13-year-old Orthodox Christian son, Kenny, said, “Sometimes my parents don’t know the answer, so then it’s … a discussion because they don’t have the answer to give me.” Do not be afraid as a parent to broach subjects that you may not have all the answers to; help your child to grow through discussion. 

Jack, an 18-year-old Baptist son, said that the parents of some of his friends neglected youth-centered conversation in order to share their own faith, 

I’ve seen some of my friends … where parents are slamming Bible verses in their face, and really not loving them, not helping them grow. It’s more like a forceful thing, at unnecessary times, when it really would have been helpful just for them to sit down and talk with their kids.

Concept 2: Anchors of Religious Commitment 

One of our American Families of Faith studies focused on what adolescents feel “anchored” to most in religion. Commitments discussed by youth included God, their family’s faith tradition, their parents, scripture and other sacred texts, and religious leaders. All of these commitments in a youth’s life reportedly served as anchors that enhanced their spirituality and helped them to define their identity. 

One recurring anchor was religious traditions, rituals, and laws. One 10-year-old Jewish daughter named Hannah said, 

I like Hanukkah. … [I]t’s just, it’s fun to be able to light your own menorah and to invite friends over to come do it with you. … Purim is fun because you get to dress up, and Pesach [Passover] is fun because the whole family’s there and all that sort of stuff.

As parents, it can be helpful to listen and learn what our child’s most meaningful anchors are. We are then better able to support them in their efforts to deepen, strengthen, and find meaning through these connections to both family and faith.

Concept 3: Religious Exploration

 Adolescence is a time of exploration. It can be frightening to a devout parent to have their child begin to question or doubt their faith—or attend services with friends of other faiths. However, sincere questioning, searching for deeper truth, and exploring the religious worlds of others are all sacred activities in their own way. It is vital that youth are able to explore because these experiences are important for identity formation. 

Growth and transitions, including normal development and maturation, graduating from high school, and leaving home for the first time, all tend to lead adolescents to experiment with their faith. While challenging for youth and parents, such events are normative. 

An 18-year-old Baptist son named Jake spoke of how leaving home and learning new things challenged and affected his thinking. He said, “This year … entering the University… and applying to be a philosophy major, lots of questions come up. I keep having to ask myself, ‘What do I really believe? What do I believe about this?’”

During religious exploration, parents can encourage their youth to: (1) ask questions and have religious conversations, (2) ponder and self-reflect, (3) seek to have meaningful personal experiences, (4) observe and learn from the experiences of others, and (5) ask for advice or guidance. 

Adults need to be aware that giving youth needed space is healthy, but parents also need to be a support while youth are exploring their faith. This could look like assisting youth to hold to their core beliefs while also seeking for answers and insights related to religious and existential questions. Parents can also encourage youth to connect with religious leaders and to maintain supportive relationships with family members.

Concept 4:  Firmness and Flexibility 

Parents need to learn to exercise and balance both religious firmness and flexibility when trying to pass on their faith to their children. Efforts to do both can be challenging. 

A firmness will be needed to demonstrate the importance of religious practices. One African American Baptist father voiced that, “There are Sundays when [the kids] don’t want to go, [but still] I said, ‘We have to, you have to go to church.’ I mean, that’s just a practice of this family.” On the other hand, it is also important to have flexibility in these family practices. Abigail, a Reform Jewish mother, shared a contrasting experience; she stated, “[B]ecause we’re tired on Friday night, we don’t go to synagogue as much as we want to. And, because of other time commitments, there’s just never enough time to do as much as maybe we should for the Jewish community.”

An example of combining both firmness and flexibility in religious practices comes from Banafsha, a Muslim mother, who shared her family experience with prayer: “We don’t want to delay the prayer of anybody. If they are studying, they can pray in their room and keep studying [and] not wait for the other ones … we didn’t want to make it hard for anybody.”

It is also important to demonstrate firmness and flexibility in religious beliefs. A Muslim father describes the rigidity in their beliefs that occur, “If it is something that has already been prescribed religiously, then there is no discussion.” Being flexible in religious beliefs can also benefit children to feel more comfortable in discussing why certain beliefs exist. An example of flexibility comes from a Jewish mother who shares her opinion on gender worship:

I have a problem with gender roles [in] religion in general, so I ignore them. I don’t abide by them. … Like in Orthodox [Judaism], … I don’t agree with the idea of having women and men separated during ceremonies. Women are not allowed on the bimah [podium from which Torah is read], and you can’t listen to a woman’s solo voice [in synagogue], and I just don’t believe in that. 

Flexibility in beliefs and religious practices can help a child to be more accepting. Parents who desire their child’s spiritual development to continue to positively grow would be wise to engage with their youth in ways that respect their choices, their interests, their circumstances, and their daily schedules. It is also equally important to maintain firm beliefs of religious convictions when appropriate.

Concept 5: Striving to Teach by Positive Example (The Principle of Lived Invitation)

Many of the parents we have interviewed emphasized the vital nature of being an example, being authentic, and being consistent. A Conservative Jewish mother talked about authenticity and said,

I presented to [our children] an ever-expanding view of Judaism and that I was always honest about my anger with the religion, anger with the Rabbis, my own distress about the religion. [I wanted them to know] that whatever I chose to give them from the more Orthodox approach was something that I really believed in.”

This mother understood how to be authentic with her beliefs with her children. 

One parent, a United Church of Christ father, did not talk about “lecturing” his children but spoke at length about being present in his children’s lives, noting that, “I think a lot of it is just being there and spending time with my children, and listening to them and playing with them. Challenging them to do better.”

Some parents we have interviewed emphasized “practicing” so heavily that “preaching” was downplayed as almost unnecessary.  Angie, a Muslim mother of two, said,

In terms of religion, it doesn’t matter how much the father talks to the children [about religion]; the children will learn from what the father does. … If my children see my husband go to the Mosque every night for prayer [which he does] he is setting an example. I don’t have to “teach” it. They are seeing it.

A Korean Christian father named Oui similarly reflected on striving for an exemplary religious life. He said,

If we can help my son be like Jesus Christ or close to Jesus Christ, what else can we worry about for our child? [But] I can’t really “teach” … we have to show him by what we do during our life. If we do very well for God and other people, then he will know what he has to do.

One of the most central concepts the exemplary families have discussed and modeled is what we have termed the principle of lived invitation. In summary, it is this: Our behavior is permission to others to behave similarly … but it is more than that. It is an invitation to do so.

Conclusion

Our hope for religious parents is that they feel more comfortable in helping their youth develop positively. Having youth-centered conversations can help adolescents to open up about their personal experiences and help you to understand the sacrifices that they make. Remember that adolescence is truly a time of spiritual exploration, and encourage youth to not doubt their faith while seeking answers to their questions. Parents can find the religious commitments that youth are excited to keep and show them how to deepen those beliefs and practices.

You, as a parent, can also focus on the priorities you have, whether that is being an example to your kids, or trying to have more flexibility in your current religious beliefs and practices. We acknowledge that your lack of faith in your ability to help your teen or young adult child develop lasting faith may not have been completely resolved, but we wish you the best. 

Notes:

American Families of Faith findings are from a total of about 400 parents from many diverse faith communities (from the three major branches of Judaism, both the Sunni and Shia branches of Islam, and about 15 Christian denominations,).

 Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2017). Religion and families. Routledge. (p. 14)

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