They Fell Back

by Autumn Dickson

This week is all about Christ and His atonement. The Come Follow Me manual recommends studying Luke 22 to reflect on the sacrifice that the Savior made in the Garden of Gethsemane. Instead, I want to read the same experience except I want to share it from the book of John.

The soldiers approach the Christ and His group following the experience in the Garden of Gethsemane.

John 18:4-6

4 Jesus therefore, knowing all things that should come upon him, went forth, and said unto them, Whom seek ye?

5 They answered him, Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus saith unto them, I am he. And Judas also, which betrayed him, stood with them.

6 As soon then as he had said unto them, I am he, they went backward, and fell to the ground.

I could have this wrong because it doesn’t explicitly state the reasoning, but here is what I’m picturing.

These soldiers come forward looking for Christ and spoiling for a fight. They’ve got their weapons and torches since it’s late, and they come upon the group of disciples and ask for Jesus of Nazareth. Christ steps into the light of the torches and replies, “I am He.” The soldiers fall back.

I know there are different interpretations of how this scene played out, but this is how I’ve always imagined it: I picture the soldiers falling back because of what they saw when Christ stepped into the light. Christ had just spent a portion of time bleeding from every pore as He suffered the sins and pains of the world. In all honesty, it’s likely a ghastly sight, and it catches them off guard.

Even if I’m wrong about how I imagine it, I believe there are some parallels that can teach us something significant here. Regardless of how the details went down, the principles I want to talk about are absolutely true.

Spoiling for a fight

I can remember a time in my life where I overheard someone talking quite negatively about my husband in my home. I was upstairs folding laundry when I realized I needed something from downstairs. I started walking down the hallway and paused when I heard them talking. One person was complaining about Conner, and the other one was trying to placate them and simultaneously shush them since the situation could prove to be awkward were I to come around the corner.

Needless to say, I didn’t quite make it around the corner, but I did overhear.

I was seeing red for a couple of reasons. This person had consistently been critical of Conner, and this person had also put Conner into the situation that they were currently complaining about. I’m not normally a confrontational person (mostly because I’m a wuss if we’re being honest), but I had already had plenty of scathing mental conversations with this person over the way Conner had been treated. I was so over it. I was about to let them have it, along with all the other baggage I had accumulated regarding the relationship we had with this person.

But I took a step back, breathed deeply, and furiously (but quietly) stomped back to my room.

I angrily paced back and forth for a while. I debated whether I was going to go down and call them out on it. I tried going back to work in my room but found myself pacing again. How dare they? I had kept my mouth shut for a long time, and I felt that they needed to hear just how toxic they were being.

Don’t get me wrong; I 100% believe there are appropriate times to call someone out and correct them. Sometimes correction is one of the highest forms of love. However, I wasn’t being particularly Christlike in how I wanted to approach that correction. If you’re going to correct someone, I believe it needs to come from a place of concern for their well-being rather than your own. I wanted this person to feel bad, and not because I wanted them to repent and live life in a more happy manner.

Luckily, I dropped to my knees and said a prayer. To this day, I don’t know what pushed me to pray at this moment, but I’m glad it happened.

I told the Lord how angry I was, at the current situation as well as all the previous situations where I felt Conner had been treated and perceived unfairly. I asked the Lord to help me see reality and to feel the truth of the situation I was looking at.

Boy, did He deliver.

The Lord responded with two things. I got a mini-montage before my mind’s eye of all the ways I had acted precisely like this person who had so offended me, and I got a whopping spiritual smackdown as I realized how similar I was to this person I was so mad at.

More importantly, I also saw how the Lord had taken care of it. The Lord loved this person. They were generally a good person; there was just a lot of bad blood built up. The Lord paid for it all, and when we get to the other side, we would all be able to see each other clearly. We would all clearly be able to see how the Lord had sent us down here to learn (sometimes the hard way) and then paid with a check signed in His blood.

Needless to say, the wind got drop-kicked out of my sails.

There are lots of details there, but let’s focus on three very important details.

I had approached spoiling for a fight. I had seen the results of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I was forcefully taken aback by the reality of Christ’s sacrifice.

The soldiers had approached spoiling for a fight. They saw the physical manifestation of Christ’s ultimate sacrifice in the Garden of Gethsemane. They were quite literally taken aback by what they saw.

How can the atonement of Christ change you?

I read a book (Price of Privilege by Jessica Dota) that was an allegory for the Savior. In the book, the main character finds herself in a terrifying, deadly marriage in the Regency Era. This was partially because of her own foolish choices, but it was also because she was a powerless victim in a world where women had no power. One of the main characters, Isaac, fights to free her from the marriage, and when it fails, he offers a poisonous drink to her murderous husband. Unfortunately, the only way to make him confident enough to drink the poison was if Isaac drinks with him. The poison kills her husband, but it also kills Isaac.

In one of the key moments at the end, we find her being kind to her cruel and cold father, not because he deserves it but because she loves Isaac for freeing her and Isaac had always encouraged her to be kind to her father. Isaac had quite literally saved her life; he gave her an opportunity to be happy in her life. How could she say no to his small requests in return?

Like the soldiers at the end of the account of the Garden of Gethsemane, I have a feeling that seeing (or even simply experiencing) the atonement of Jesus Christ would change how we feel about the betrayals we’ve experienced. Hyperfocusing on the damage you have received often disables your ability to recognize the goodness that is still available to you, perpetuating the consequences you have suffered innocently.

Looking to the Savior, seeing what He is offering and experiencing what He sacrificed (at least to an extent) is enough to take the fight right out of you.

Forgiveness is a process. I fully realize that healing from some betrayals takes immense amounts of time. This isn’t meant to rush that process or summon guilt for the innocent party. It’s meant to point you in the direction of ultimate healing, the Savior. If you keep your focus on the Savior and if you allow yourself to experience His grace, you’ll be taken aback at how your need for revenge or even personal justice dissipates. When you know the Savior, you trust Him and you feel safe enough to pass the circumstances to Him.

I testify that the Savior is mighty to save. I testify that He can offer everything that is owed to you. I testify that if you could remember Him and the experiences you’ve shared, you would naturally feel safe enough to let Him free you, bless you, and handle the justice of the perpetrator. That is the effect of experiencing His atonement.

Autumn Dickson was born and raised in a small town in Texas. She served a mission in the Indianapolis Indiana mission. She studied elementary education but has found a particular passion in teaching the gospel. Her desire for her content is to inspire people to feel confident, peaceful, and joyful about their relationship with Jesus Christ and to allow that relationship to touch every aspect of their lives. Autumn was the recipient of FAIR’s 2024 John Taylor Defender of the Faith Award.

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