Sources in the Dept. of the Treasury point out that the accepted government check is only part of the reason for increased Federal control of the Church. "Even without that check, they have in essence been given millions of dollars in tax subsidies by not being taxed like everyone else. These subsidies, of course, give us the moral imperative to regulate. The TARP check just removes any need to be shy about it," according to one high-ranking Treasury official.
Sources in the Obama Administration confirm that President Obama called President Thomas S. Monson and other top LDS leaders to a private White House conference earlier today. "We're telling credit card companies how to run their business, automobile companies what models to make and who their executives can be, and next week we're giving Coke their new flavor. It should be no surprise to you that a religion that takes government funds needs to be accountable to the people," Obama said.
In this meeting, a chagrined Thomas S. Monson was told that "the days of thinking you can teach whatever doctrines you want and decide who can and can't go into your temples is simply over." While Monson and the Council of the Twelve Apostles will be kept on-board during a transition period, a younger, more diverse Progressive People's Council will soon be appointed by the soon-to-be-named Religion Czar, widely speculated to be either Perez Hilton or Jeremiah Wright, to lead the Church and "put the people in charge of religion again." Temples will be required to "open their doors to all" and will include multicultural education and team sports for troubled youth.
In an effort to placate Church leaders, Obama announced that the Church will be allowed to keep much of its "Latter-day" roots in its new name: The Church of Just Causes in Latter-day Society.
In a daring move for equality, Obama also announced that all men and women in the Church--not just mostly young men who meet unrealistic standards of so-called "worthiness"--will have the privilege of serving two-year "peace missions" to battle global warming and create infrastructure around the globe. This will be the Administration's first pilot of the mandatory volunteer service program. The move is being widely hailed by media voices as a bold move that will bring meaning to the lives of millions of current "Mormons," many of whom will benefit from the re-education opportunities such service will provide. National Homeland Security leader Janet Napolitano suggested that many "Mormons," especially those who are veterans or have extremist pro-life views, will become less of a security risk through such training.
As for doctrines, Obama revealed that is no longer acceptable to have "arrogant views" like being the "true church" or "teaching that people can become godly or gods or whatever you people mean by that in the next life." Rather, new LDS doctrine will hold that those who believe can still reach lofty but more practical goals in this life by becoming "good community organizers or, in some cases, Senators and even Federal Reserve Bankers."
Republican leaders had no comment on the proposed Federal intervention to strengthen the LDS religion. "We're focusing on working out the details for a bi-partisan approach to national health care and energy policy," explained one leader, "and can't afford to be sidetracked by minor issues."
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