Hello? Hello? Is anyone still reading this? I hope I’m not the last.

Just a day or so ago I discovered from some progressive writer that if Mormonism didn’t rebrand itself as another outpost of the progressive faith, there would be a “massive exodus of Mormons” from the Church.

Today I discovered that the massive exodus has already occurred. The wind is whistling through the empty halls of the chapels where once the footsteps of the Saints were heard.

The area where I live and all the people I know have somehow escaped this massive exodus, like one of those little medieval villages that the plague passed over. But I feel sad for the rest of you who are left behind in your vacant church buildings, if indeed there are any of you.

If there are, don’t despair. I have a plan.

First thing is General Conference. Word of this massive exodus hasn’t leaked out yet to the public, and if we want to be able to sell off all the excess church buildings at decent prices, we need to keep it quiet for as long as possible. So our first problem is going to be the empty hall at General Conference. There’s no way that could pass unnoticed, unless we deal with it. What we gotta do is use some of the tithing reserve to hire temps. Or if there’s anyone left who knows CGI, we may be able to dub in an audience before broadcasting.

OK, next, the GC speakers. Are there enough? Let’s find out. If not, lets do a Best Of conference. We’ll put up the top 40 talks from past conferences on the big screen and call it good.

That done, we can move on to Phase II. We sell off our church buildings and build up a big warchest for our rebranding campaign where we introduce our new product, New Diet LDS: More Progressive, Less Mormon! We’ll point out that in New Diet LDS: More Progressive, Less Mormon! we not only embrace unisex bathrooms, tithing discounts for gender reassignment surgery, and gender-equal unisex priesthood, we are also mandating equal pay for priesthood work, and offering generous maternity, pre-maternity, and post-maternity leave to women. That can’t but help but make our appeal more selective, based on the success other churches have had with this strategy.

If that doesn’t work, we’ll apply for government grants to hold Sunday workshops on intersectionality.

It’s failsafe. So don’t get down (or up, if that’s your orientation). Be of value-neutral cheer.