C.S. Lewis said that writing Screwtape was a strain.  It was spiritually dry, like writing with dust in his mouth.

Well, I just go asked to portray the Devil for a bit, and I had a blast. 

I was supposed to be selling the Devil’s product for Sunday School.  So before Church I put a little polish on my maroon wingtips, tied my loudest pink tie, donned my neon silk sportcoat, and plastered a big grin on my face.

You cannot memorize patter.  It needs must bubble up  naturally from one’s inner blowhard.  But as best as I can reconstruct, here it is:

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to sell you something.  I admit that straight up.  But I have a product so fantastic that it’s a pleasure to sell.  You’re gonna like what you hear.

This amazing product is used in the highest circles.  I’m talking kings and queens, presidents, CEOs.  Hollywood celebrities and singers use it all the time.  But ordinary decent folk like yourselves can use it too.  Your neighbors use.  People in your family use it.

When people get it, they just won’t let it go.

What is this amazing product, you ask?

Yessir, I am talking about genuine, 100% extremely popular misery.

Misery.  Mi. Ser. Y.

I can see by your reactions that some of you are in sore need of this quality product.  Quality, did I say?  You bet.  It’s quality is unmatched.

Now, I hear you asking, G., such an amazing product must be hard to use?  Not on your life, no sir.  No special equipment is needed.  Its highly portable.  You can use it at your work, at church, in your car, or anywhere you wish in your own home.

You can purchase its, sure, but genuine, 100% amazing misery can also be made in your own home.  It’s easy!

Who doesn’t love company? I tell you what, misery loves company!  Misery is great for sharing.  You can pass it along as easy as that to your friends and family.  It’s great stuff.  And you don’t lose any of it when you do.  Wow, what a product!

No, no, stop reaching for your wallets.  This amazing product is free.  Free!  No money down.  It costs you nothing!  Amazing.  Yes, there might be costs later on.  But I’m here to tell you, when you get those costs, you also get more misery along with them.  What a product!  You pay nothing up front and get even more when you pay for it later.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, I got to get me some misery, but how much of it can I use?  That’s the best part, ladies and gentlemen.  There is no limit to how much misery you can use.  You heard me right.  No limit. No matter how much misery you already have, you can always get more.  Wow!

Misery is all natural and made locally.  Act quick–the longer you wait, the harder it gets to get some.

I can see you’re all convinced, but just one more thing, I got to tell you, some of the happiest and most successful people you know got that way because they started out with a big supply of misery.

Misery–you know you deserve it.