I doubt that my employer, Mr. Bertram Wooster, will ever get married, let alone have children. But if he were to seriously embark upon such an endeavor, I would hope that he would take to heart this advice from a Mr. Tychonievich.
Original here. Web archive here. PDF here.
(Reprinted without permission.)
The Greatest Work
“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” — David O. McKay
By Louis P. Tychonievich
- Introduction
- 1. Principles
- 1.1 Plan To Fail
- 1.2 Love Your Spouse
- 1.3 Unity
- 1.4 Consistency
- 1.5 Teach Them To Govern Themselves
- 1.6 Rules Apply To All
- 1.7 Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
- 1.8 Quantity Time
- 1.9 Respect
- 2. Family Rules
- 2.1 Family Council
- 2.2 Make the Punishment Fit the Crime
- 2.3 Enforcement
- 2.4 Privilege Implies Responsibility
- 3. Avoiding Contention
- 4. Family Activities
- 5. Family Traditions
- 6. Money
Introduction
When my wife and I found out that we were expecting our first child, we tried to
prepare ourselves for our new roles as best we could. I went around to the
families that I most admired and asked them for pointers on raising children,
while Nancy read several books on the subject. Needless to say, in spite of our
preparation, our first child was quite an education! And when our second child
arrived, I found that many of the things which had worked on number one failed
when applied to number two.
But in spite of (or perhaps
because of) our failures, we gradually developed some principles and
techniques which have proven effective in the wonderfully chaotic work of
raising children. This document is an attempt to lay out some of the ideas we
have learned and used over the years which have proven helpful in this most
important of all work. I hope they may be of value to you.
1. Principles
1.1 Plan To Fail
The first principle of parenting is that you WILL make mistakes — lots of
them. You will not be a perfect parent, but fortunately you don’t need to be.
When faced with a problem, discuss it together, decide on what seems like the
best approach, and go with it. The key is to continuously evaluate how things
are going. If, after a little while, your solution is seen to not be working,
try something else. You will only fail if you give up or stubbornly persist in
doing something that is not working.
The best example of this in our family was allowances. Should the kids get a
fixed income just for being a member of the family? Should they have to earn it
by doing chores? Should doing chores just be a duty, expected without payment.
If they don’t do their chores, should we withhold money? Should there be ways
for them to earn extra money? We tried and failed with one of these approaches
after another, until it got to be a family joke. Whenever we called a family
council, the kids would ask, “We’re going to discuss allowances again, right?”
And they frequently were right. I don’t know that we ever found the perfect
solution to this problem, but we just kept trying new things and eventually it
all worked out.
1.2 Love Your Spouse
One day in church the speaker said, “The best thing a father can do for his
children is to love their mother.” The world can be a confusing and scary place
sometimes, and children naturally look to their parents for reassurance. There
are few things as reassuring for a child as knowing that his mother and father
love each other. So let your children see you showing affection for each other.
They may groan when they get older, but don’t be fooled. It is as important for
them to be reassured that their father still loves their mother as it is for
their mother.
Take time to be with and do things with your spouse. As small children arrive,
this time gets harder to find, but it becomes even more important. Young
parents with small children often don’t have a lot of extra money to pay a
baby-sitter, but don’t let that stop you. My wife and I found another couple we
knew from church in a similar situation and set up a baby-sitting exchange. We
took turns every other week. When it was their week to go out, one of us would
go to their house to baby-sit their kids while the other stayed home with ours.
The next week, we’d go out, and one of them would come to our house. We had a
consistent baby-sitter we could trust, our kids were able to stay in their own
home, we went out twice a month, and, best of all, it cost us nothing! Combine
that with a cheap date, such as talking as you browse the mall eating an ice
cream cone, and you’re set!
Another good thing we did was to get up early each weekday and spend a quiet
half-hour together. We would read an article of mutual interest together a
while and then just sit and quietly talk. For a stay-at-home mother with small
children, this time was a lifesaver! And under no circumstances let your
children horn in on your time together. One of the rules we found essential was
that no child could get up before a specified time. Teach your small children
to tell when it is time or set up some signal, such as turning on the hall
light, to let them know when it is okay to get up.
1.3 Unity
How many of us remember playing one parent against the other? Parental unity is
essential to being a happy family. Unity is strengthened by a number of things.
First and foremost, you need a hard and fast rule that once one parent has given
a child an answer, he is not allowed to go ask the other one. Related to this
is the decision that once one parent has spoken, the other will back him up
— and here comes the hard part — even if you don’t agree with the
decision!
Now, the rule that one of you never undermines the other is doable only if you
do your homework ahead of time. You do this by getting together (perhaps during
your date night) and coming to agreement on things that are likely to arise
— and that often means compromise. You need to agree on things like
priorities, limits, and procedures. Whenever possible, important or
controversial decisions should be postponed till you have time to discuss it
together. But once a commitment has been made by one of you, the other must
back him up. If you don’t like what was decided, you should discuss it after
the fact and come to an agreement about it for the future. But do not let the
children force you to debate or argue with each other in front of them.
1.4 Consistency
Children are happiest when they live in a stable, predictable world. A child
who lives in a home where a given kind of behavior is ignored one time and
punished the next becomes confused and disturbed. Our experience is that they
like clearly defined, reliable boundaries. Sometimes they will test you by
doing something that they know is not allowed, just to see if the boundaries are
still there, but they are relieved when the promised response if forthcoming.
The first rule of consistency is to mean what you say. Children quickly learn
to not violate the law of gravity mainly because it never fails. Your
statements to your children, whether they be warnings or promises, should be as
reliable as gravity. If you warn a child that you are going to take him home if
he puts one more thing into the shopping cart, the worst thing you can do is
warn him again when he repeats the offense. If he does it again, drop what
you’re doing and take him home! And if doing that is inconvenient, then next
time be more careful in picking a reasonable consequence.
One time we were driving the kids to visit their grandparents. They were in the
back seat pestering each other and would not stop for long when I told them to.
Finally, in frustration, I said that if they did it one more time, we were going
to turn around and go back home. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I
regretted it. My wife’s parent were expecting us, and it would be very awkward
if we didn’t show up. I think the kids must have realized this, for after a
short period of quiet, they started up again. To my wife’s surprise, I pulled
into the next driveway and turned around. It was awkward, but let me tell you,
the next time we went for a drive, they were much more obedient. They had
learned that when their father said something, he wasn’t kidding.
Now let me quickly modify that rule with a more important one. Never act or
speak in anger. If something the kids did has made you angry — and believe
me it will happen! — do not chastise or punish until you have your temper
under control again. If your spouse is there, the angry one should step back
and let the calmer one take over. If you are alone, do what is necessary to get
the immediate situation stable, but give no lectures and no discipline until you
are calm again.
Now, you may think that being angry adds power to your words, but it doesn’t. A
child is impressed by an adult who gets himself under control and then speaks in
a serious but calm voice, much more than by a red-faced, screaming madman. And
if you should slip and speak or act in anger, it is vital that you go back and
apologize to them, asking for their forgiveness. This is the only way to
minimize the damage you have done.
1.5 Teach Them To Govern Themselves
In the 1800’s, a reporter from the East came to observe the Mormons who had
formed a community in what was then the western frontier. Expecting the typical
chaos and crudeness of frontier life, he was surprised to find a large thriving
settlement of orderly, law-abiding citizens. Introduced to their leader, Joseph
Smith, the reporter asked how him he managed to control so large a group of
people so well in such difficult conditions. Joseph replied, “I do not govern
this people. I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.” He
had learned this important concept, in part, from the following scripture.
No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; (D&C 121:41-45)
As parents, you may think that your goal is to teach your children to obey you.
But your true goal is far more difficult. To be successful parents, you must
somehow manage to teach them to want to obey the same principles that you do
— you must teach them to govern themselves — so that, when they
eventually leave your home, they will continue to walk in those paths that will
result in a happy life. And this important result cannot be accomplished merely
by invoking the well-worn argument of “because I’m your father and I say so!”
Now clearly there are times when you will have to use your power and authority
as a parent to enforce your will upon your children, especially when they are
tiny. You cannot stand by and allow a toddler to wander into a busy street.
But the key thing to be learned here is that the use of force is only a last
resort, to be avoided whenever possible.
A woman at church once complimented me for on how well our children had turned
out. But she followed this up by asked a most interesting question. Pointing
to my six-foot tall, 17-year-old son, she asked, “What do you do when he
disobeys you?”
I thought for a second and then replied, “The same thing you do when your
husband disobeys you.”
“But,” she said in confusion, “my husband doesn’t obey me, and I don’t obey him.
We work together.”
“Yes,” I replied, “And it’s the same with me and my son.”
My son was less than a year away from being a legal adult, out on his own. If
my relationship to him was still based on issues of obedience and punishment, I
would have failed indeed. My son had long since ceased to obey me. Instead he
obeyed the rules of our home and for the exact same reason that I did —
because he believed that they were good and right. As parents, we must work to
make the transition from controlling by force to influencing by persuasion and
love, long before they are old enough to live on their own. In short, teach
them to govern themselves.
1.6 Rules Apply To All
Inherent in this approach to parenting is the idea that rules apply to parents
as well as kids. If they are not allowed to yell at each other, then neither is
Dad. One of the most significant events in our family history was the day that
my son sent me to my room for yelling at his brother, who had violated a family
rule. Going to your room to cool down when you lose your temper was a family
rule, and my son was correctly applying it to me. I am proud of him for having
the courage to risk incurring the wrath of an irate father, but I am even more
proud of myself for having the wisdom and self-control to go to my room until I
could get control of myself. After I was calm, I came out and apologized to
everyone. Far from being a sign of weakness, it strengthened my authority and
their willingness to obey me by teaching them that I was trying to play by the
same rules they were.
There are of course things that a parent can do that a child cannot, and so some
rules must include exemptions by age and role. Bedtimes may depend on your age,
and special authority may be given to the child who has been “put in charge.”
But make sure that these exceptions are stated at the time the rule is agreed
to, rather than resorting to the oft heard claim of “because I’m the father,
that’s why!” as your universal justification for everything.
1.7 Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Parents love their children and care about them very much, and so it is natural
to be anxious that they become the best people possible. But don’t let this
good and natural desire become an excuse to harass and discourage your kids.
Erma Bombeck gave us the two cardinal rules on this topic.
Rule 1: Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Rule 2: It’s all small stuff.
As I was going about gathering pointers from good parents, I had one father with
grown children explain this principle to me in a way that had a great influence
on me. He told me that each parent has a gun that he can use to shoot behavior
he doesn’t like. But the gun only has so many bullets, and you don’t know how
many there are. So if you shoot the gun for every trivial little thing, you may
find it is empty later when something truly important comes along.
When my oldest was around 11 years old, he decided that he wanted to have
sideburns. Now he of course had no facial hair at that age, so he told his
mother when she was cutting his hair that she shouldn’t cut the hair on the
sides of his head. He wanted to let the hair on the sides grow long enough to
act as sideburns. After a couple of haircuts like this, he had long strands of
hair dangling in front of each ear. When I noticed this ridiculous state of
affairs, I decided to cut the offending “sideburns” off myself. But as I
reached for the sissors, I had a mental image of myself reaching for that gun my
friend had talked about. And this was followed immediately by an image of a day
years later when I needed that gun desperately, only to have it click impotently
when I pulled the trigger. I decided that a hair cut wasn’t worth using up one
of my precious bullets.
1.8 Quantity Time
As more and more women began entering the workplace, there was emphasis placed
on giving your children what was called “quality time.” The idea is that you
can make up for not being with your children very much by doing extra special
things with them when you are together. However, instead of “quality time,” I
am an advocate on a radical approach called “quantity time.” Nothing can take
the place of simply being together with your children a lot.
It is our experience that the fondest memories that people have of their
childhood are usually little things. Trips to Disneyland may be exciting at the
moment, but relationships between children and their parents are built of time
spent doing little things together.
When I asked one of my grown kids what was one of his favorite memories as a
child, he surprised me by saying that it was the time I played “boat” with them.
“Boat” was a game I invented spontaneously one rainy day when I noticed some of
my kids lying around in their bedroom, obviously bored. Jumping onto the bed
with them, I said, “Okay! Let’s get this boat moving!” Delighted that their
dad was playing with them, they quickly joined into the spirit of it, and we
spent quite a while sailing the bed to various exotic places and having silly
adventures. It is of simple things like this that fond memories are made.
In connection with this topic, I wish to emphasize that no one and nothing can
replace Mom and Dad. It is human nature for children to desire to be with and
be accepted by their parents. So don’t worry about earning enough to get them
the best clothes, toys, and vacations. What they really want you to spend on
them is your time. And it is an investment that will pay huge dividends.
Now don’t leave it to chance. Schedule time to do things with your kids on a
fixed, predictable schedule and don’t let anything else crowd it out. In our
family, we reserve each Monday evening as Family Home Evening, or FHE. In
twenty-five years, you could count the number of weeks we didn’t have FHE on one
hand. In addition, when they were little, each child had a special night of the
week for what we called Night Up. On their Night Up, the child got to stay up
an extra half hour. It was just that child and his parents, and we did whatever
he wanted to do. Believe me, it is time well spent.
1.9 Respect
Everyone has seen a child repeatedly trying to get his parent’s attention, while
the parent acts as if he wasn’t even there. Usually his efforts to gain his
parent’s attention continue until the parent suddenly yells down at him not to
be so rude. The irony is that it was often the parent who was the one being
rude. Everyone deserves respect, especially a child, whose self esteem is so
delicate and easily crushed. So here are a few rules to follow when dealing
with any child. (And they aren’t such a bad idea when talking to an adult,
either!)
Pay attention
Whenever possible, stop and listen to what he has to say to
you. You will usually find that as he learns that you will be sincerely
attentive when he speaks to you, he will become less demanding of your
attention. As you show him that what he has to say is important to you, he will
be less likely to bother you with silly or trivial things. And if you can’t do
so at the moment, calmly explain to him that you are busy at the moment and let
him know when you will be available.
Criticize the behavior, not the person
Never give your children negative
labels by saying things like, “You are so lazy!” or “Why can’t you ever pick up
your toys?” If a child hears things like that frequently enough, he will
unfortunately have a tendency to become what you say he is.
Never ask unanswerable questions
When angry, parents have an unfortunate
tendency to ask questions to which there is no right answer. For example, “Were
you trying to break the vase?” There is no good answer to this. This is in
fact not a question at all but a set up. The child is all but forced to answer
“no”, so that you can come back with another unanswerable question, like, “Well
then why did you knock it over?” Questions are to get information, not to
lecture. If you have something to say, then say it, and stop bullying your
child with questions that he can’t answer.
Always let them explain
Many times what appears to be bad behavior is
actually the result of a misunderstanding. One of my sons would never flush the
toilet, even if we reminded him as he went in. Feeling upset at finding the
toilet a stinky mess yet another time, I controlled my anger and calmly asked
him why he hadn’t flushed. I fully expected the universal reply of, “I forgot”,
but instead he said, “I didn’t want to wake up the monster!” Always give your
child a chance to explain himself. (But be careful not to do so by asking an
unanswerable question!)
Compliment more than you criticize
Children have a lot to learn, and they
make a lot of mistakes, accidentally or on purpose. And so our conversations
can easily be nearly always negative. Concentrate on giving many more
compliments than you do correction. A compliment costs nothing but is worth a
lot. However, be sure that your compliments are real. A fake compliment for
something that a child didn’t really do is correctly seen as being insincere and
can actually do more harm than good.
2. Family Rules
Many homes have no clear rules, leaving all decisions and punishment to the whim
of how the parent happens to feel at the moment. Children and parents are
happier in a predictable, consistent environment. Having a clear set of rules
is key to creating such an environment in your home.
2.1 Family Council
To be most effective, family rules must be agreed to by all members of the
family. The laws of a nation are enforced much more by its citizens than by its
police force. If the majority of the people feel that a law is good (such as
stopping for a red light), they will obey it even when there is no policeman.
On the other hand, a law which seems to most people to be overly restrictive or
arbitrary (such as some speed limits) is nearly impossible to enforce.
Many parents feel that it is their role to act as all three branches of
government — lawgiver, policeman, and judge. In such homes, rules can
easily be perceived as being of the parents, by the parents and for the parents,
often resulting a contentious, adversarial environment. However, like
governments, families are much better when based largely on democratic
principles. An important part of our family government is holding family
councils. A family council is a meeting of all members of the family to discuss
and agree on rules. This consists of three steps.
Identify the Problem
The problem may be proposed by
any member of the family as a topic for a family council. We usually conduct a
family council as needed during our regular weekly family night, but an
emergency session of the council may be called. Before a problem can be
resolved, everyone needs to agree that it is in fact a problem and that everyone
would be happier if it were corrected. Some situations, such as quarreling over
toys, can easily been seen as problems by even young children. Other
situations, such as watching too much TV, may not be immediately recognized by
all of the children as being bad. In such a case, there should be a discussion
on why the situation needs correcting. As a parent, you may be tempted to skip
the discussion by simply claiming to have superior wisdom and experience, but it
is vital to the success of family rules that everyone be in agreement on the
problem before there is much chance that any solution will work.
Agree On a Rule
Second, a rule to correct the problem needs to be discussed, amended, and agreed
to. Once you feel that the need for a rule has been clear understood and agreed
to by the children, you should encourage them to suggest a possible rule to help
correct it. Depending on the ages of the children, you as parents may need to
help direct the discussion so that the rules are worded appropriately. Avoid
long, detailed rules. Instead, family rules should be short, simple, and few in
number, so that they can be easily understood and remembered. All rules should
be written down and posted.
Determine the Consequence
Finally, there needs to be agreement on what the consequence of breaking the
rule will be. Now you many think that children, realizing that they are likely
to be the recipients of these consequences, will push for very minor
punishments, such as no spinach for a week. However, we have found that the
opposite is usually true. Children have an inherent sense of right and wrong
and often enthusiastically propose extreme punishments. It is important that
the consequences of breaking a family rule be balanced — too light, and it
will have little effect; too harsh, and it will cause resentment and
rebellion.
2.2 Make the Punishment Fit the Crime
As much as possible, pick punishments which can be seen to be a direct
consequence of breaking the rule. The more obvious and natural the connection
between crime and punishment, the less likely anyone is to feel that the
punishment is unfair or arbitrary.
Quarreling
For example, we have a family rule forbidding quarreling. When members of the
family are guilty of quarreling with each other, the consequence is that they
cannot play together for an hour. This turned out to be an excellent punishment
for that particular crime for a number of reasons.
First, it serves to quickly and effectively end the undesired behavior. Peace
is immediately restored in the home with a minimum of intervention from the
parent.
Second, it follows as a direct result of the offense. If you can’t play
together nicely, then you forfeit the ability to play together at all.
Third, it does not drag the parent into the thankless and often futile task of
having to decide who started it or was most at fault. It takes two to quarrel,
and so both share in the consequences.
And fourth, it is unpleasant but without being overly harsh for so minor an
infraction. No one is likely to burst into tears over the punishment, and yet
they will usually be quite anxious for the hour to be over so that they can go
back to playing together — hopefully with a resolve to be nicer this
time.
Putting Toys Away
An other example of a common problem in most homes is the failure of children to
put away their toys. We solved this with a simple rule — you can’t go get
new toy to play with until you have put away the one you are playing with. With
small children, you will have to teach them this rule by reminding them of it
each time they are about to break it. However, once you feel that they
understand it, you can begin executing the consequence, which is the dreaded
found-it box!
When a parent finds a toy laying around, the natural thing to do is to call the
child and make him pick it up. However, this is not an effective consequence,
since it is no more than what he would have had to do if he had obeyed the rule
in the first place. Instead, unattended toys are quietly placed into the
found-it box. Items remain in the found-it box until Saturday morning, when
they may be redeemed by the child paying a fixed fee from their allowance, say
50 cents. Items not redeemed after a month are considered unwanted and are
either given to charity or thrown away, depending on their condition.
Again, this punishment has several nice features. It clears the clutter with a
minimum of fuss on the parent’s part. It is appropriately unpleasant, with the
child losing the use of his toy temporarily and some of his money permanently.
There is a direct relationship between the crime and its consequence. It
automatically clears the house of unwanted toys. And it quickly trains the
child to want to be more careful with his things.
The Cooler
Of course not all rules can have such well suited consequences. For example, it
is hard to thing of a truly great consequence for tattling. In such cases, we
found a very useful general-purpose punishment, which we call the Cooler. In
our house, the Cooler is the dining room table, but you can easily declare any
appropriate spot to be a cooler as needed, even when you are at someone else’s
home.
When a child is sent to the Cooler, he must sit quietly at the table, with the
palms of his hands flat on the table in front of him, for a specified number of
minutes. Different offenses have different associated times in the Cooler. We
had a cheap digital timer on the table for the purpose of keeping time. To an
active child, five minutes in the Cooler can seem like an eternity. And if the
child who is sent to the Cooler complains, makes noise, squirms, or makes faces
(which is especially tempting when two kids are in the Cooler at the same time),
the parent calmly adds another minute is to the time. It may sound simple and
it is, but it works like magic.
2.3 Enforcement
Children should be actively involved in creating family rules, but they should
not be allowed to enforce rules against each other. It is far too easy for them
to abuse that power and create hard feelings for each other. In our home, no
child is allowed to report on the crimes of another unless there is a real
danger of serious harm to person or property. And so, a child should tell his
parents when he sees his brother playing with matches but not when he sees him
playing in the mud. The former is watching out for others, the latter is
tattling.
But the desire to try to get your brother or sister in trouble is strong in
children, and so we created a family rule against it. When one child tattles on
another, the rule says that the parent must ignore the information and the
tattler goes to the Cooler for five minutes. The first few times you enforce
this rule, the child tattling may be filled with righteous indignation (which,
if he gives voice to it, will result in an additional minute in the Cooler!),
but they quickly learn that tattling never works, and the practice will
disappear almost immediately.
There are, however, two important exceptions to this rule. First, children
should always feel free to say when they think that one of the parents is
breaking a family rule. This functions as a sort of balance of power clause in
the family constitution.
The second exception is when one of the children is formally designated as being
“in charge” for a period of time. The child in charge needs to be obeyed just
as if he were a parent and is given the full power to enforce family rules. The
other children may of course report any blatant abuses of this power to the
parents upon their return, but this does not give them the ability to refuse to
obey at the time. If you give a child the responsibility of being in charge,
then you must support him completely when he is functioning in that role.
2.4 Privilege Implies Responsibility
As stated earlier, a primary goal of parenting is to teach your children to
govern themselves. This means giving many decisions over to the child as soon
as the parents feel that he is old enough. To do this successfully, you must
establish a clear connection between having privileges and being responsible.
For every privilege a child enjoys, there is an associated responsibly.
As an example of this, consider the eternal struggle over bedtime. Children in
general don’t want to go to bed, and many homes go through an unpleasant ritual
of complaining ever night. The parents have decided what a reasonable bedtime
for their child is, but they often have to force him to go to bed when that time
comes.
But what if the privilege of deciding his bedtime were given to the child? In
our home we decided that when a child reached the age of ten, he was old enough
to set his own bedtime. Now you may think that a child that age might just
choose stay up all night, but with the privilege of setting his bedtime comes
the responsibility of getting up on time. As long as he is able to get up each
morning in time for that day’s activities, then it is his business to decide
when he goes to bed. This is his privilege.
However, with that privilege comes a responsibility. If there ever comes a day
when he doesn’t get up when called or when his alarm goes off, then he has shown
himself to irresponsible, and the ability to set his bedtime reverts back to his
parents for one week. Basically, if he fails to control himself, then we will.
After the week of being under parental control, he can try to manage his bedtime
again. (By the way, if at anytime during that week he complains when it is time
to go to bed, then the week starts over.) With five kids, we only had to apply
the penalty clause once to the oldest child. Once they all saw how it worked,
we literally never had any trouble about either going to bed or getting up
again. And more importantly, they were started on the road of learning to
control themselves, something which many children don’t get a chance to do until
after they are out on their own — a time when poor decisions often have
much more serious consequences.
3. Avoiding Contention
Whenever people have to live together, no matter how much they love each other,
there is a danger of contention. And although it is unlikely that you can
eliminate it completely, there are some things which can be done to minimize the
potential for contention in the family.
3.1 Quiet Time
One important way to reduce contention is to make sure that everyone, including
Mom, gets some time to be by themselves in peace and quiet. We instituted a
daily practice we call Quiet Time. It lasts for two hours, and during that
time, each member of the family must be engaged in a quiet activity by
themselves.
For young children who still need naps, Quiet Time is spent on their bed. They
are allowed to take a book to bed with them but no toys. You can’t force a
child to sleep, but young children will usually fall asleep during the course of
the two hours of quiet. Older children do not have to go to bed, but they must
be in the house, by themselves, and quiet. This practice does wonders for
everyone’s disposition, especially the harried mother of small children!
3.2 Personal and Family Property
It is a natural desire to have things which are our own and which we control.
All toys must be clearly classified as being owned either by the family or by a
given family member. Family toys are obtained to play with on a
first-come-first-serve basis. If someone is actively playing with a family toy,
no one may take it from him. However, a second child can request to have the
toy next and appeal to the parent if they think that the toy has been in use by
one child for too long a time.
Each child should have a place to store his own personal possessions. A small
number of personal toys can be kept there, but most personal toys are kept
together with the family toys. Anyone can use any toy in the family toy box
without asking permission, but the owner of the toy may politely ask to have it
whenever he wishes, and the user of the toy must comply. However, if a child is
rude in his request to have it or uses it for only a brief time, a parent may
decide that it was taken simply to be mean and place the toy into the found-it
box, as if it had been left out.
Toys kept in a child’s personal area are under his exclusive control. No one
can use a toy stored in a child’s personal area without asking permission, and
the owner does not need not comply with such a request if he doesn’t want to.
3.3 Avoiding Surprises
Children can get very involved in what they are doing and can easily become
upset when they are required to suddenly stop. To avoid this natural reaction,
parents should try to give their kids a ten minute warning of impending changes,
such as eating dinner or going to bed. This simple procedure will greatly
reduce unnecessary trauma and help children to learn to handle change more
gracefully.
3.4 Mealtime
Mealtimes can be very enjoyable and are an important social event in a family.
Unfortunately, it can often also be a source of conflict. One area of potential
conflict is getting children to eat a balanced diet. Children are notoriously
picky eaters. What should a parent do if his child refuses to eat or even try a
nutritious dish? We have tried many approaches over the years, and we settled
on the following.
In our home, what a child eats for breakfast and lunch are his own decision,
although clearly certain foods, such as ice cream, are not available to choose
from. Dinners are whatever is served, but each child is free to decide what he
will and will not eat of it. Our experience is that if a child hates green
beans, nothing you do is going to change that. So instead of turning the dinner
table into a battle ground in a war you can’t possibly win, we suggest a laissez
faire attitude of “eat it if you want it.” We do however reserve the right as
parents to limit how much a child can put on his plate at a time — he can
have as many servings as he wants, but he can’t heap food onto his plate when it
is likely that he won’t be able to eat it all.
But what happens in the all too likely event that there is a meal that a given
child doesn’t like? Well, simply stated, there is always peanut butter. The
child can make himself something that he does like and so will not have to
starve. But doesn’t a child need to eat a balanced diet in order to be healthy?
Of course, but a child can never eat a single green bean and still have a
healthy diet. If you serve a variety of different kinds of foods, each child
will like enough of them to give him all of the nutrition he needs without
having to try to force him to eat things he doesn’t want.
One last suggestion on the topic of food is that a lot of hassle can be avoided
by having a don’t-eat-it shelf. When a child (or dad) is looking for something
to have for lunch or as a snack, he is free to have anything unless it is on the
don’t-eat-it shelf. Foods that are on this shelf or labeled with a “don’t eat
it” tag in the frig are reserved for future meals and thus not available for
general browsing.
3.5 Competition
We live in a competitive and aggressive society. And while some of this is
good, there is a tendency in our country to become obsessed with winning.
Contrary to Vince Lambardi, winning just isn’t that important most of the time,
especially in sports.
We have done two things in our family to help teach our children to be put
winning and losing into a proper perspective. First, during family sports
activities we don’t bother to keep score. It is a simple thing, but it does
wonders to remove the harsh side of what ought to be fun for everyone.
Second, we often play cooperative games. There cooperative board games, but you
can often turn conventional game into a cooperative one. Our favorite family
game is badminton, but when we play it, our goal is to keep the birdie going as
long as possible. It is just as much fun and involves as much skill, but there
are no losers. We are all on the same team, and everyone has a feeling of
accomplishment after an especially long run.
4. Family Activities
4.1 Family Home Evening
The Mormons are known as a family-centered church, and one reason for this is
their practice of Family Home Evening, or FHE. FHE is the simple
but powerful idea of setting aside one night a week (usually Monday) to spend
with the family. As the world becomes more and more hectic, it is important to
make sure that there is at least one night a week that the family will spend
together. It is vital to the success of FHE that the entire family commit to
letting nothing else take priority over this evening. If there is something
important which conflicts on a given night, FHE may be moved to another night,
but this should be rare. There is an important message sent to the children
when they see their parents placing time with them above other activities.
Every member of the family rotates through the various responsibilities
associated with FHE, such as conducting, giving prayers, selecting songs,
preparing a lesson, choosing an activity, and (last but definitely not least)
making the refreshments. Parents can help young children with their
responsibilities, but everyone should be involved.
After the opening song and prayer, the family may spend some time updating the
family calendar, announcing and recording upcoming events, and making plans for
family activities and vacations. This is also a good time to hold a family
council when some member of the family as an issue to resolve.
The lesson should usually be about something which helps to make the family
happier, such as honesty or forgiveness. The Mormon Church produces a
manual filled with lesson and activity ideas, but there are many
other resources you can draw on, including your own imagination. If there is a
problem in the family, parents may suggest a lesson about it to the child who
has the lesson for the next FHE. Such lessons are often much more effective
when given by one of the children rather than the parents, especially when it is
a child who is involved in the problem himself.
FHE should always be enjoyable, and the activity and refreshments are thus very
important. Even when we were watching every penny as a young family, the kids
could look forward to having a nice dessert at least one night of the week.
Occasionally the activity will be something major that will occupy the entire
evening, such as going to the zoo. That is okay as long as you don’t let it
become the norm and don’t forget to begin and end with a pray.
4.2 Story Time
As stated earlier, children usually don’t want to go to bed. We have found that
going through a nightly ritual helps make bedtime more less traumatic. Our
ritual consisted of putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, saying family prayer,
and finally family story time. This serves to combine the dreaded bedtime with
something that they looked forward to, story time. Reading stories to your
young children is a great way to help them learn about the world and to develop
a love of reading.
Surprisingly, our children have insisted that we continue story time long after
they all learned how to read for themselves — even after they had entered
high school. We gradually switched from Dr. Seuss to Toilkein, but they still
enjoy the time together listening to a story read by dad.
Incidentally, when a child is young enough to have a fixed bedtime, we allow
them to take a book to bed with them. (Every bed has a nightlight sufficiently
bright to read by.) It relieves much of the unpleasantness of going to bed and
encourages them to learn to love to read.
4.3 Family Prayer
One of the most well-worn sayings is, “the family that prays together, stays
together.” It may sound corny, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t true.
Taking time to pray together as a family every morning and night and at mealtime
helps remind everyone about those things which are most important. The father
should ask someone to say the prayer but never force them to, rotating the
responsibility to each member of the family. When it is your turn to pray, let
your children hear you pray for them, thanking the Lord for them and asking for
help with those challenges that they are facing, but don’t ever use a prayer as
an opportunity to lecture or criticize.
4.4 Behavior in Church
One of the challenges for parents is to teach their small children to behave
appropriately in church without making being in church a miserable experience
for them. The trick is to make being in the chapel more pleasant than being
taken into the foyer.
We had a special bag of “church toys” that our small children could enjoy and
occupy themselves with quietly. We allowed them to use these things only when
they were in the chapel, making them special and thus more desirable. My wife
made cloth activity books, with things for the child to zip, button, and tie.
For the slightly older children, we had a supply of books on appropriate
church-related themes. When they were old enough to write, we gave them each a
little notebook and played a game with them of seeing who could identify and
write down the main points made by each speaker. We would discuss this after
church, while we drove home or ate lunch.
But what do you do when a small child is behaving inappropriately in church?
Many parents take a fussy child into the foyer and let him play on the floor to
calm down. But unfortunately this only acts to reward noisy behavior. The
child will learn that all he has to do is scream, and his parents will take him
out to play.
Brigham Young said that fussy children were like good intentions — both
should be carried out! But a child needs to learn that being taken out is not
going to be much fun. Once a child was old enough to understand, we instituted
“lap time.” I would find an empty classroom and sit down and place the child on
my lap, hugging him gently but firmly so that he was not free to move his arms.
A small child will get bored with this arrangement very quickly and want to get
out of it. You calmly explain to him that his choices are calm down and play
quietly in the chapel or sit here and do nothing. He will probably struggle and
cry, but be patient. He will soon tire of this and become suddenly interested
in the alternative. Once he has quieted down and promised to behave himself,
you can return to the chapel. But as soon as he forgets his promise, quickly
and quietly take him out and enforce more lap time.
You may think that leaving the chapel to impose lap time is inconvenient, but
you will be surprised at how quickly even the most “energetic” child will
discover that he has the ability to control himself after all. After only a few
Sundays, both lap time and outbursts in the chapel will be things of the past.
And more importantly, your child will have begun to learn the invaluable skill
of controlling himself — a skill that is necessary for us to be happy in
this life.
5. Family Traditions
It is hard to overestimate the value of having good family traditions. They
help to provide a feeling of belonging to something special and enhance holidays
with a great feeling of anticipation.
5.1 Christmas
The most wonderful holiday for many families is of course Christmas. But as
nice as Christmas can be, it can also easily turn out to be a hassle, tainted by
debt, selfishness, and the frustration of unfulfilled expectations. And the
underlying meaning of the season, the birth of Christ, is often all but lost
amid the wrapping paper.
Handmade Gifts
Everyone knows that, no matter what else we’d like it to be about, Christmas is
largely about gifts. One year, my wife made the radical suggestion that it
might be better if we made the Christmas gifts we give each other. I was very
skeptical, having practically no craft skills, but agreed to give it a try. To
my great surprise and delight, it was the best Christmas we had ever had, and we
have continued the tradition ever since.
Starting in early November, we use Nights Up to help each child decide what he
was going to make for the other members of the family and then to actually make
and wrap each item. (Obviously, as they get older, they no longer need such
assistance.) My wife and I collect gift ideas so that we have things to
suggest, clearly gearing them to the age and abilities of the child. For a
small child, a gift may be as simple as a set of colorful bookmarks and may
involve considerable assistance from the parents.
The whole process is a lot of fun, and planning and making the gifts constitutes
good “quality time” with your kids. In fact, I found that the hardest thing
about the whole idea is finding time to get
my gifts made. The traditional image of the night before Christmas is that
of the father up half the night trying to assemble the bikes he bought. This
midnight ritual is frequently repeated in our home, but it is dad busy trying to
finish the gifts he is making at the last minute.
But what gifts can I actually make? Well, there are aprons, mittens, T-shirts
with funny sayings or pictures, Sculpey figurines, desserts, pencil holders,
board games, wooden toys, books of favorite recipes, bookmarks, musical
instruments, bags, paper maché toys, stuffed animals, drawings, and do-it
cards. A do-it card entitles the recipient to have the giver perform a
specified chore, such as wash the dishes. You can find dozens of craft books at
the library full of all kinds of gift ideas.
In addition to the gifts we make, each year we also buy a number of Santa gifts
for the whole family, such as games and books.
There are several advantages to deciding to make your own Christmas gifts.
First, it is very inexpensive, which can be a vital consideration for a young
family with not a lot of money. Also, it helps the children (and dad) develop
skills and self-confidence. And the children really enjoy it. Once they get
into it, children love the process of planning, making, and wrapping their
gifts.
But the most wonderful difference about deciding to make your own Christmas
gifts is what happens on Christmas morning. The excitement is wonderful, but it
is excitement for others rather than for yourself. Instead of the usual focus
on what they will get, the children are excited to see how others will react to
what they have made for them.
Stocking Stuffers
We officially begin preparing for Christmas in early November by holding a
special family home evening. Each member of the family puts his Christmas
stocking into a hat, and we each draw one out (returning it if we draw our own).
We are then each given some relatively small amount of money (say $40) to use to
buy “stocking stuffers” for the person we drew. We then go out to the mall and
use the money to fill the stocking we have drawn with inexpensive toys and
things that the person might enjoy. These frequently include gag gifts, such as
a toy sports car for the teenager who wants a car. First thing on Christmas
morning, everyone has the stuff in their stocking to play with and laugh about,
which helps them to be able to wait patiently until time to open presents.
Christmas Meals
Food is an important part of the holiday season, and we have several food
traditions. We use two FHE’s in December to make Christmas cookies. We cut
them out and bake them on the one week and then decorate them the following
week. Our family puts a lot of effort into making our cookies as creative as
possible, such as turning a shape intended to be a Santa Claus into an alligator
or Superman. As the cookies are being decorated, each child is allowed to eat
one of the ones he has made.
Another thing planned in the special pre-Christmas FHE is the selection of who
will make a treat for whom. We want to have lots of good things to eat on
Christmas Day, and so we draw names so that each member of the family will be
making a dessert for someone else as their gift. As food gifts are opened, they
are set on the dining room table and are available for anyone to enjoy.
We used to have our Christmas dinner on Christmas Day, but we found that no one
was ever very hungry, having been eating treats all day. So we have our special
meal on Christmas Eve. This saves Mom from having to do a lot of work on
Christmas Day and gives us something special to help fill the seemingly endless
hours of Christmas Eve.
Christmas morning we have a simple communal breakfast, such as pastry and juice.
After breakfast, we lay out a variety of simple foods, such as crackers, cheese,
and nuts. No other meals are prepared on Christmas Day. People can eat
whatever is on the table or re-heat leftovers from Christmas Eve dinner.
Preparations
We use specific FHE’s in December to decorate the house. One day we cut out
snowflakes and hang them on the windows. Another day is set aside to decorate
the tree. In our home, we always have a special time deciding what will go on
top of the tree. Members of the family propose various items and then we vote
on them. We tend to favor the slightly bizarre tree toppers, such as a stuffed
pterodactyl, a model wooden ship, and a stuffed frog in a Santa hat. Once the
tree is up, people can place their wrapped gifts under it, as they make them.
(Most of dad’s gifts are usually set out on Christmas Eve!) Gifts may be looked
at but not handled.
Christmas Day
The buildup to Christmas can be almost overwhelming for children, so we have
found that certain rules help the day go better. First and foremost, the
children are not allowed to get out of bed before six o’clock. They will often
already be awake, but they have to remain quiet and in their beds. This helps
somewhat to keep them from being overly tired, but mainly it allows the parents
to get some sleep and gives them time to set things up. Sometime before six, we
get up, light all the candles and the tree, and put on some quiet instrumental
Christmas music. We have a grandfather clock, and it is not six o’clock until
it bongs, not matter what your personal clock may say.
When the clock finally bongs, the kids rush into the living room, carrying the
stocking that they were responsible to fill. The kids (and dad) can play with
their stocking items while breakfast is getting ready. We then eat together.
After that, we all sit down and listen as dad reads the Christmas story from
Luke 4. Then we have family prayer, making sure that we remember what the
season is all about. When all this is done, we begin opening the presents. In
our home, the presents are handed out one at a time by dad, and we wait until
one present has been opened and admired before going on to the next one.
5.2 Birthdays
The other big holiday in our home is when it is someone’s birthday. Two months
before your birthday, you are required to post a birthday wish list on the
refrigerator. This is to give people ideas, although we are not limited to
items on the list. All of the children use some of their allowance money to buy
the birthday person a small gift, while the parents buy more and expensive
ones.
In our home, we always celebrate a person’s birthday sometime before the actual
birth date, so as to be able to try to make it a surprise. Planning the
surprise and keeping it a secret is great fun, and being surprised makes it even
more special. The birthday person also gets to decide the menu for dinner.
5.3 Car Trips
A long trip by car can be difficult for small children. We have learned some
things to help make it more bearable. The first is very simple — leave
very early in the morning. The children will quickly fall back asleep, and you
can be hours down the road before they know it.
Another idea to make car trips more fun is to make up some activity bags. Each
child should have his own bag of toys and books that he wants to play with
during the trip. (Make sure that the things they have picked are appropriate to
use in a car.) In addition, the parents should make up their own bag. Before
the trip, buy some inexpensive books and toys. When it seems that they are
bored with what they have and starting to get near the danger point, pull out
one item for each child to play with. Try to get similar (or if necessary even
identical) toys and books for each child, to avoid having one child wanting what
someone else received.
6. Money
6.1 Allowances and Chores
As stated earlier, we have tried just about everything in the way of allowance
with our children. What we settled on is a combination of allowances, job
cards, and contract jobs. Everyone, including parents, gets an allowance each
month. The amount of the allowance a child gets is a function of his age. When
discussing allowances as a family, make it clear what expenses are expected to
be covered by the children for themselves. For example, in our home each child
pays for birthday gifts from his allowance.
Every morning each child gets a small stack of job cards. Each card identifies
a chore to be done and includes instructions on where to find needed materials
and how to do it properly. Chores may be assigned points, based on how hard or
unpleasant they are. Each child is given a certain number of points each day,
based on his age, with more points on Saturday and none on Sunday. Anyone who
does not perform an assigned job or doesn’t do it well enough retains that card
the next day, in addition to getting his new cards. Given that some children
will dislike certain chores more than others, the children are free to swap
cards among themselves if they wish.
In addition to the job cards, parents may set aside certain chores as contract
jobs. Contract jobs are not assigned to anyone, but each one pays a specified
amount of money to the person who decides to perform it. Contract jobs can be
big or small and provide a way for children to earn extra money.
6.2 Family Budget
Disagreements about money are a common source of family strife, both between
parents and children and between husband and wife. Much of this can be avoided
by using the family council to set family financial goals. Examples of such
goals are going on a special vacation, purchasing a computer, or saving for
college.
Before discussing what to purchase or save for, there needs to be a shared
understanding of the current and expected future financial situation. My father
once converted one of his paychecks into cash and showed how much of it went to
our various expenses, such as mortgage payments, food, and gasoline. Seeing
that big pile of money rapidly dwindle down to only a few dollars of disposable
income was a great way to make the need for budgeting more real to a child.
One of the best things we ever did as a family to better grasp our financial
situation was to create a timeline chart. We created a graph with years along
the horizontal axis and each member of the family along the vertical axis. We
marked significant events in the life of each person, such as starting college,
graduation, going on a mission, and dad’s retirement. We then estimated how
much our expenses would be each year, marking in red those years when our
expenses would peak. Using this chart, we realized that, although we could
handle our current expenses pretty well, we were going to be really hurting in a
few years, unless we did something to get ready for it now.
Based on this analysis of our financial situation, we decided as a family to set
a major goal of paying off our mortgage early, before we entered the red zone.
With that goal in mind, we were able to agree to a number of budgeting measures,
such as cutting back on our long distance phone bill, going to fewer movies, and
foregoing expensive vacations. We reviewed our financial situation regularly
during family council, so that everyone who know how we were doing. This not
only helped us to be ready to send our children off to college when the time
came, but it also taught them valuable lessons on budgeting that they could use
when they started their own families.
6.3 Teaching Self-sufficiency
Teenagers in America are responsible for an enormous amount of money sent each
year, much of it on expensive designer clothes. To both help our children learn
the value of the money they spent and to cut down on our family expenses, we
decided that when children entered high school, they should become responsible
for purchasing their own clothes. At the beginning of the school year, we would
give each teenager sufficient money to buy their clothes for the year. They
could buy whatever clothes they wanted, but when the money was gone, it was
gone.
They soon figured out that they could get three generic shirts for the cost one
designer shirt. And that they could buy fabric and make their own shirt cheaper
still. And with the money they saved, they could afford to buy more and nicer
clothes. Not only did the fussing about clothes all but vanish in our home, but
our teenagers learned how to manage a relatively large amount of money
intelligently — a skill that will benefit them all their lives.
–end–
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